I spared a quick glance at the witch. Her expression was unreadable—an excellent poker face. If the tampon was correct, she wasn’t letting on.
“Could you be more specific?” Astrid asked. Her voice was tight just like my asshole at the moment.
“Oh yes,” Henderson replied. “The originalFreaky Fridaycame out in the theatres on December 17th, 1976, starring Jodie Foster and Barbara Harris in the lead roles! It was directed by Gary Nelson and written by Mary Rodgers based on her 1972 novel.” The Vamp preened. “I will share that I obtained Mary Rodgers’ autograph at a book convention back in the day. Thrilling! Anyhoo, the supporting cast included John Astin, Patsy Kelly and Dick Van Patten, among others.” The female sanitary product loving Vamp clasped his hands together and shuddered with delight. “August 6th, 2003 was the release date of the remake ofFreaky Fridaystarring Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan. They were supported by Mark Harmon, Chad Michael Murray, Harold Gould and a bevy of other wonderful actors and actresses.”
“How in the fuck isFreaky Fridayconnected to anything?” I bellowed.
Astrid held up a hand, indicating that the time to lose my shit wasn’t now.
“Tell me the plot, please,” she said to Henderson.
“With pleasure!” he promised. “Okay, we have a mother and a teenage daughter who are at odds with each other. The original and the remake handle it differently, but the idea is the same. The disconnect is driving them insane. A comedy bonanza! Sooooooo, after an argument they simultaneouslywish to switch places and BOOM! They do. Hijinks and hilarity ensue.”
“Mmkay,” Astrid said. “How do they switch back?”
I leaned forward. The light at the end of the tunnel was finally in sight.
“They hug,” Henderson replied. “Well, after they’ve walked a few miles in each other’s shoes and learn to appreciate each other. Simply beautiful. If you haven’t seen it, put it on your watch list.”
“Why should we watch it if we’re fucking living it?” I muttered.
Astrid zapped me. I slapped the fire out and saluted her in thanks. If I fucked up so close to the finish line, I’d be pissed.
We both let our gazes fall on Connie. The dumbass witch just grinned and winked.
“I should be going,” she said, linking arms with Wipe and Henderson. “Would you boys like to accompany me to another snooker parlor? I never did get to show you my prowess with balls.”
Wipe blushed a deep pink. “Was that a double entendre, witchy woman?”
She giggled. “Guess you’ll have to find out, Wipey.”
I almost gagged. Attraction was blind. It was no skin off my ass if Wipe banged the witch. It was rank, but it didn’t concern me as far as my budding buddy-ship with Wipe. Hell, Lizard was mated to Martha and Jane. One couldn’t get more blind than that.
“Just a heads up, I’m gay!” Henderson volunteered, taking a bow. “But I do love a good game of snooker and my I’m quite good with balls if anyone needs tips.” The emotional tampon threw his head back and laughed. Everyone joined him… even me, much to my surprise. He was a lot, but he’d solved the riddle and was up for playing dead. Henderson was finein my book, but if he brought up tampons again, I’d have to electrocute him.
“I guess that’s settled then,” Connie announced, then added. “If you need me, I’m only a spell away.”
The mentally insane witch snapped her fingers and conjured up a super-sized broom. The trio climbed aboard and flew off into the London night laughing like fools.
Strangest thing I’d ever witnessed. And I’d seen strange in my time.
Astrid approached. “Should we hug?” she asked. Her voice was filled with anxiety.
“What if it doesn’t work?” I asked, feeling somewhat lightheaded.
She blew a raspberry and shrugged. “Not sure, Uncle Fucker.”
My niece began to pace. Most Immortals did their best thinking that way. I joined her.
“Do you respect me?” she asked, picking up her speed as we circled what was left of the snooker parlor.
“I think I do,” I admitted. “What you did with Critter Steve and Trapper Rick was rather inspired. You made me look good. So, yes. I respect you. I still think you’re a pussy, but I’m coming to realize that pussy does have a place in society.”
“Mmmkay, thank you… I think.”
“You’re welcome,” I said.
I put my hand on her arm and paused our forward motion. “Do you respect me?”
