The trip to the ICU is a quick one, just a short elevator ride and then through the first doors you see when you get to the floor. Lennox is in the room immediately to the right. I stop outside the door, the huge window making it easy to see Lennox lying in the bed, hooked up to a million machines.
I feel myself weakening, starting to fall to the ground, but I straighten myself up. Attempting to wipe the tears away is much harder to do when they are still trailing down my face, but I take a deep breath, trying to stop the flow.
I need to be strong for him. Unaffected. Just like a regular day, except he’s stuck in the hospital. And I will push down all of my shit to make him feel some semblance of normalcy.
Rolling my neck, I finally feel calm enough, although the blanket is still wrapped around me because the chills just won’t fucking stop. I scrub my hand over my face one more time and walk into his room.
The smell and sounds will stay with me forever. Antiseptic. Melodic. So fucking sterile.
I walk to his bedside and gently grab the hand that’s close to me.
“Hey, Lenny,” I whisper. His eyes slowly blink open, and I feel mine well with tears again. “You look good.” I give him a small grin, both of us knowing it’s not the least bit true.
My eyes trail down his body; only his lower half is covered by a sheet, his legs out in the open too. Most of the cuts aren’t covered, left to do some good old-fashioned natural healing. The ones that are covered, Iknow are the ones that were especially deep. His thighs and torso have the majority of them, and it’s painful to see him somutilated.
“I look like shit,” he says, his voice gravelly from surgery.
“You do.” I nod casually, trying to be my normal self with him. I know if the positions were reversed, I wouldn’t want anyone treating me differently, and I know it would piss off Lennox.
“Good news, though. Chicks love scars, so I think you’ve got this one in the bag,” I lamely joke. It falls completely flat, and when I look into his eyes, all I see is a vacancy.
I know nothing will be the same after this. I know Lennox will have the hardest road when he leaves here, but I was hoping so damn hard that his light would still be there. His mischief would still linger in his eyes.
And finding it all gone? It’s like a knife to the heart. I don’t know how to help him. I don’t know how to act or what to say. I feel like one wrong move, and it will make things exponentially worse.
“None of this was your fault, Will. Or Oakley’s,” he croaks out.
I nod, not meeting his eyes because I don’t believe that. I feel like I could have done more. Hell, I could have warned Lennox myself instead of leaving it to the stupid Task Force. They couldn’t protect Lennox or James, so I’m not too fond of any of them at the moment.
“Willow,” he says, his voice stronger, adamant.
I lock eyes with him, his skin too pale.
“Do not put any of this on your shoulders. Take care of you. Take care of Oakley. I promise I will be okay.” He squeezes my hand tight.
I jerk my head in some form of a nod as the tears start to fall again.
This Lennox is different.
And I wonder if I’ll ever have the old Lennox back.
“Ma’am,” a nurse behind me calls gently.
I look back at her and wait for whatever she needs to tell me.
“Mr. Oakley is awake in his room. And your time is up in here too. We only let visitors stay ten minutes at a time—lessens the risk.”
I nod, squeezing Lennox’s hand again. “I don’t want to leave you,” I whisper.
“Go. I’ll be here.” His voice is dull and has no inflection. It’s painful. Something so simple, but it’s not the playful Lennox we all know and love, not the unserious and sometimes immature Lennox. I just hope once the bulk of his physical healing happens, he’ll be receptive to some help psychologically.
“I’ll come see you again soon.” I lean down and press a soft kiss to his hairline as the tears fall into his hair.
He gives my hand one last squeeze before letting go and watching me walk out of his room.
The nurse silently leads me back to the elevator and down two floors. It’s a totally different world down here, full of life. There’s a ton of people, mostly hospital staff that are running around taking care of a multitude of things, but it’s completely different than the ICU where it’s too quiet.
I’m led to a room around the corner, tucked in the back. There’s a handful of muscled men standing vigil outside of James’s room, and I can’t help but feel utter contempt for them. They should have been more help, should have protected both Lennox and Oakley.
