I wrapped my arms around my chest and nodded. “Yeah.”
He drove forward out of the parking spot and over to the main road. He lingered, waiting for a red truck to pass. Then he glanced over at me. “Home or the pub?”
The emotions I had finally gotten a handle of bubbled up inside of me, so I turned my attention to the world outside the window. It was one thing to break down over the phone. It was a whole other thing to do it in person.
“Home,” I whispered as disappointment and regret filled my chest.
I hated that I was so weak. I hated that I couldn’t just go on a date. I hated that I was disappointing Carson and Timothy…and, if I were honest, myself.
I wanted to be able to move on. I wanted to give Timothy a stepdad and siblings. I wanted to make Carson happy and do what he’d asked me to do in his letter.
I wanted all of these things, but I couldn’t seem to actually do any of them.
I was failing at every turn.
Noah didn’t force me into conversation as he drove. He only asked me if I was too warm or too cold and then adjusted the air. He turned on the radio, and a soft ballad sounded through the speakers. I leaned my head back against the headrest and watched the lights flash by as he drove.
When we got to Abigail’s apartment complex, he pulled into her spot and turned off the engine. Neither of us moved to get out. I was steeling my nerves for the questions Abigail was going to have for me when I got up there. I wasn’t sure what she was going to say, and I was unsure I could handle the disappointment in her gaze that I didn’t show up at the bar.
I wasn’t sure if Noah was waiting to say something or just waiting for me to get out first.
“Carson would want you to be happy.” Noah’s voice was quiet and cautious.
I turned to study him. He was staring straight ahead, the lights from the parking lot illuminating his profile.
This was the first time since we were thrown together that he’d spoken Carson’s name. It was strange and comforting at the same time.
I wasn’t sure what to say to that, so I waited, wondering if he was going to continue. He turned to look at me.
“He wouldn’t want you to force…” Noah’s voice drifted off. He stared at me before he shook his head. “He wouldn’t want you to date just to date. He’d want you to find someone you loved.”
Tears pricked my eyes once more, but I fought them off. The last thing I wanted to do was cry again tonight. I was so tired of crying. I stared at Noah and then dropped my gaze to my hands clasped in my lap.
“It’s not that simple,” I said, anger bubbling up inside of me. What he was saying wasn’t fair. I knew Carson would want me to find someone I loved. He wouldn’t want me to date just to fulfill an agenda. But I didn’t have that luxury. Not when the board had put a time restraint on me.
I had to marry, or I would lose everything Carson had worked his whole life for.
Noah frowned as he studied me. I could see that he wanted to say more, but I was certain I didn’t want to hear it. All of this was hard enough without Noah trying to be valiant and tell me that I should be focused on what?…love?
I sighed as I grabbed the door release and pulled it. “I’m exhausted,” I said as I climbed out of the car.
Noah kept quiet as he joined me in the walk across the parking lot to the building. When we got inside, Abigail and Bash were cuddling on the couch with Timothy next to them, still plugged into his game. I could feel Abigail’s gaze on me as I walked past, but, thankfully, she didn’t call after me.
I was desperate for a shower and my pajamas before I could even think about digesting the events of this evening.
I didn’t stop until I was in the bathroom with the door shut and locked behind me. I flipped on the water and let steam fill the room as I stripped out of my clothes. Once inside the shower, the hot water beat against my face. My skin felt so tight from my tears, and I was ready to wash off my makeup.
I took my time washing my hair and my body. The heat from the water and the steam that filled the room helped relax me. I felt more human.
Just before I turned into a prune, I flipped the water off and grabbed a towel from the rack. I dried my face and then wrapped up my hair before pulling another towel down and drying off my body. I slipped into my silk pajama set and focused on my nightly skin routine. Then I pulled my hair down from the towel and brushed it out before braiding it.
Minus my pink cheeks, I looked normal. I didn’t look like a woman who had been crying in her car an hour ago.
I returned the towels to the rack, grabbed my clothes, and pulled open the bathroom door. The lights in the living room were out and only the light above the stove was on. I tiptoed to the bedroom that Timothy and I were sleeping in to find the door was shut. When I opened it and peeked inside, I could see Timothy’s lump on the bed.
I was grateful that someone got him to sleep. I was certain if he’d stayed up any longer, he was going to be a bear tomorrow. I discarded my underwear in our dirty-clothes hamper and then moved back out to the hallway and hung Abigail’s dress on her door handle.
All of that crying had finally caught up with me. I was parched. So I padded through the living room and into the kitchen for some water. I was grateful for the silence that filled the apartment. No forced conversations. No demands to dissect what had happened earlier. I could just…be.
