‘Found the prototype for you.’ With that, she throws a white T-shirt over to me.
I hold it up.
‘Eric can kiss my ass,’ I read out loud.
‘Rachel!’ Jennifer chastises. ‘I told you I hated those. So crass. And poor Nana certainly doesn’t want to wear one.’
‘D’you know what, Nana actually does,’ I say as I study it. ‘Ericcankiss my ass, right ladies? In fact, they all can.’
Jennifer’s divorce party erupts into cheers.
‘I like this one,’ says Rachel, asking for ten mini bottles of vodka and handing them round the group. She waggles one at me and vodka is obviously the answer to all of my problems.
I neck it in one go.
‘Didn’t you want to wait for a mixer?’ Jennifer asks, askance.
‘Maybe next time.’ I wince. ‘So, Australia seems like a long way to go for a divorce party, at least I’m guessing that’s what this is?’ I add to cover my tracks.
‘Oh honey, that is correct,’ says Jennifer. ‘I’ve just got my divorce papers through and I’m a free woman, so the girls and I are celebrating. I brought my mum too.’
She points towards a sweet octogenarian sitting in the row behind.
‘Hello, dear!’ She waves.
‘Hello!’ I beam back. I guess this is why Jennifer’s up front with me this time, because of the last-minute addition of her mum to the group? ‘Are you looking forward to Australia?’
‘Call me Dot,’ she says. ‘And yes, I am, very much so. The girls tell me there’s going to be plenty of D.’
I splutter out a cough.
‘That’s right, Mum,’ cheers Jennifer. ‘So much D.’
Dot is also wearing a divorce party T-shirt and she’s teamed it with orthopaedic shoes and a pair of catalogue trousers. Maybe I’m missing a trick, here. These women really are grabbing life by the, er, bits.
‘I cannot wait,’ says Rachel. ‘I knew it was time to divorce my ex when he was diagnosed with a lazy butt.’
‘No?’
‘True story. The GP had literally told him that his painful shins were because he had lazy glutes. I thought, if even science is backing him up, then I’m screwed.’
‘Cheers to that,’ says Jennifer. ‘The problem with marriage, Nana, is that it’s so limiting.’ It takes a moment to figure out that she’s talking to me, and not the actual nana sitting behind us, but I get there in the end. I lean in, happy to have the distraction.
‘I’ve got a couple of boyfriends,’ announces Dot. ‘I wouldn’t mind a third, preferably one who is still allowed to drive.’
‘Yes!’ says Rachel. ‘Why limit yourself to one slice of cake when you can eat the whole damn thing?’
‘Well,’ I waver. ‘Isn’t there the risk of feeling a bit sick? Or, you know, finding yourself torn between two men and spending so long faffing about that by the time you figure out that it’s so totally and obviously Callum, he’s gone.’
‘Oh dear, sounds like Nana’s having a time of it,’ Jennifer says.
I blow my hair out of my face.
‘Is that what’s taking you to Aus?’ asks Rachel.
‘I honestly have no clue.’ I exhale. ‘I mean, ostensibly I’m going for work but philosophically?’
‘Can someone fetch poor Nana another vodka?’ suggests Dot. ‘Perhaps a double.’
