Askance, I look around. This isn’t right! Callum is rows away. And in the seat next to mine, is Hamish.
‘What are the chances?’ He beams as I take a very disgruntled seat next to him.
‘Oh my God,’ I reply, head in hands. Everything is shifting and I feel like I’m standing on a wobbleboard.
‘Dude, don’t be sad. The worst bit is over already.’
‘Sorry?’
‘You’ve got the longest leg of the journey out of the way. This last bit feels like a little hop in comparison.’
‘Oh. Right,’ I say dully. I can’t even be bothered to explain to Hamish that I’m not upset about how much of this long haul we’ve got left to get through. For me, my entire life is a long haul right now.
Mindlessly, I twirl a strand of my hair between my fingers as the plane takes off. Think about how many times Callum has complimented this lion’s mane. No matter what I do to try and distract myself from thoughts of Callum, my brain finds a path that leads straight back to him. And believe me, I try. I force myself to find a distraction, thinking about all the clothes I’ve got packed in my suitcase, and end up wondering what I’d wear on a first date with Callum. He’d be in chinos and a crisp T-shirt, glasses perched on the bridge of his nose, just begging for me to take them off. I think about work and the Aussie engagement party that will probably never happen, but that just leads toCallum too. Hell, I even think about my favourite brand of tea bags and how in an alternative universe, where I’m not trapped in a time loop, I should probably get to the supermarket to stock up. Within seconds I’m imagining bumping into Callum at the very same supermarket and wondering what might be in his basket. In my daydream he’s buying some organic steak, portobello mushrooms and potatoes, which he plans to turn into chips, and he’s inviting me round for dinner at his, and there will be a glass of good red and it turns out he’s a great cook and suddenly we’re naked in his living room.
All to say: every road runs straight to Callum.
And yet he’s made himself pretty clear. He literally told me: ‘We should just forget about it.’
As far as Callum’s concerned, ‘us’ was just a bit of a blip. Something we should try to erase from our memories as soon as possible.
My heart squeezes at this because that’s not what I want.
But then I remember, with crashing certainty, what’s happening right now. I’m shovelling my one millionth Tim Tam into my mouth on yet another flight to Perth, on this mad Monday merry-go-round.
Callum isn’t interested.
And I need to focus. I have got to get myself out of here before things start getting any weirder than they already have.
I switch my attention to my failed attempts to get Hamish to fall back in love with me. To how, now that I’ve stopped trying, he obstinately seems to be doing exactly what I wanted him to do days ago.
It’s got to be a sign, right?
I’m not much of a one for omens, but by this point I am willing to give anything a go.
It’s time to double down on the Hamish escape route.
My head aches as I see how complicated that has now become too. Fact is, I simply don’t feel the way I felt for Hamish anymore.Come to think of it, ever since I started looping I’ve been feeling less and less like he’s the one. The madder things get, the more I’ve fallen away from what I’ve always thought was the right path. Ever since Hamish flew to Australia all those years ago, I’ve been so sure that he was the one that got away. People make whole love stories out of that concept, right? I’ve lost count of how many films I’ve seen all about that trope. Just look atMy Best Friend’s Wedding!
Hamish was my Mr Right, I just met him at the wrong time.
And so the past ten years have been largely spent with me believing that no relationship could come close to what we had that summer. Penny is always telling me to take my rose-tinted glasses off and—
Hang on.
My rose-tinted glasses!
Are they the problem? I was so busy channelling Jeff Bezos and blowing hundreds of pounds on expensive champagne and chocolate at Heathrow that I didn’t buy those new sunglasses from Accessorize today. I literally don’t have any rose-tinted sunglasses to look through. No wonder I’m starting to doubt whether Hamish is the one, I’ve been robbed of my power to see the past in all its shiny, rosy glory.
I mean, obviously I do know, deep down, that not buying the sunglasses isn’t actually the problem here, but maybe it hasn’t helped. In this strange, swaying new world of mine, where I feel like the rug is being continually pulled from under my feet, I think it’s totally acceptable to blame today’s craziness on the fact that I forgot to pick up those sunnies at the airport. In fact, the more I ponder it, the better sense it makes.
I’ve always looked on the past as this hazy, glorious time. And perhaps it’s no coincidence that the day I forget to buy rose-tinted sunglasses is the day I start to see things differently. I decide immediately that this is another sign and I am totally into those now.
Callum doesn’t want anything to do with me. Hamish is righthere, telling me he does. I was on the right track all along, I just got lost on the way. Stumbled into some sexy bushes, almost lost my underwear. Well, sexy bushes be damned. From now on, I’m going to see this little thing with Callum for what it really was. A palate cleanser. A way to shake off some tension before getting back to my real quest, aka finding my way out of here with Hamish by my side.
Sure, I don’t feel any romantic connection to Hamish right now and I am absolutely not going to lead him on, or pretend otherwise. Neither of us deserves that. But if I am on the right path, I suspect I just need to be honest with him. Tell him that I’d love to start from scratch, to spend some time together as friends. All the best romances begin with friendship anyway.
At this, my treacherous mind wanders straight back Callum. To how we were very much not friends to start with. This surely proves my point. You can’t build a great relationship on the foundations of constant bickering and blood boiling, can you?
