3. Green eyes a bonus
4. Outrageous flirt
5. Posh job / high-flyer
6. Sharp dresser
7. Absolute douche
‘Hey!’ I protest, reading out point seven.
‘This is the perfect summary of your type,’ says Mila. ‘If we’re ever going to get you out of this douche-dating gin-drinking pity party cycle, we need to do something drastic.’
‘We do?’ I feel frightened and also a little affronted. It’s cute that my best friend wants to help but all thiswetalk makes me feel like she’s taking charge. Though, let’s face it, I’ve not made a great success of being in charge of my own life so far.
‘Yes we do!’ Mila wafts a felt-tip around enthusiastically. ‘You are going to go on those seven dates and, drums please, not one of them can be anything like your old type on paper. You are going to mix things up. No more letting boys in suits chat you up at one of Vomit’s parties. No more dating apps, let’s go retro. We need to get you out of your comfort zone and to do that, you’re going to have to throw out your own rule book, Jas.’
Gulp.
Milafinds a different coloured pen, grabs the piece of paper and starts scribbling again.
‘Firstly, I think you should deal with your exes. You let Zach swan off into the sunset without one word of an explanation. Why did he ghost you? And why the bloody hell should he be allowed to treat you that way? You need answers, Jas. And while you’re at it, you can tell Hot Tom that he is no longer allowed VIP access to your underpants. What gives him the right to just show up demanding you know what? You should respect yourself more, okay?’
Mila’s on a right roll while I slink further and further into the sofa. Maybe if I curl myself up into a small enough ball she might forget I’m here? I pull at the cushions, building myself a little fortress for protection.
‘I mean, just look at that ridiculous list. It’s SO superficial! What about finding a guy who is actually nice and who has some integrity? Do you know what, I’m going to make you an anti-list.’
She starts jotting things down to the right-hand side of the number seven.
#PrayForJasmine.
My NEW type on paper
1. Blond, beardy, topknot?
2. Sport is out, being passionate is in
3. ANY EYE COLOUR you fussy mo fo
4. Less flirty, more genuinely nice
5. Non-wanker job
6. Start looking past his outfit
7. Strong group of friends?
‘There,’she smiles. ‘A seven-point check list for your next seven dates.’
LOLS that she thinks I’m going to find the time to deal with my past relationship failures, let alone get myself out there. I tell her as much. ‘I’m flying to Cannes tomorrow, Mils. And that’s just the start of a super busy summer. Violet’s schedule is so packed that every time I think about it, I forget to breathe.’
‘But that’s perfect,’ Mila claps. ‘Trips abroad equal FRESH MEAT! The ideal opportunity to meet some new men.’
‘I’m going to be way too busy running around after Violet to. . .’
Mila shushes me with a finger on my lips. ‘You cannot be expected to work twenty-four seven. When there is downtime from Vomit, I expect you to be getting yourself out there. Okay?’
This all sounds a bit bat shit scary, to be honest. But saying no to Mila when she’s so enthused feels even scarier, so I mumble my assent.
‘I really think this is going to be good for you,’ Mila grins, giving my cheeks a squeeze. ‘This is your chance to start over, Jas! Wipe the dating slate clean. Start accepting some dates with guys who don’t fit your old type. Aren’t you excited to get out there in a totally different way?’
‘How long until chicken?’ I ask petulantly.
