‘You got ghosted.’
‘It was savage. I’d had such high hopes for him, too. He ticked a lot of my boxes.’
‘Mmm hmm,’ Mila gives me a knowing look. ‘So James dumped you on the London Eye and Zach ghosted you. Are we missing any other charming love interests?’
‘Nope,’ I shake my head, sloshing some gin into my glass and add a splash of tonic for appearance’s sake.
‘Jasmine?’ Mila is using her stern voice.
‘You can’t be thinking of Hot Tom?’
Mila nods. ‘What’s the latest with him?’
‘Well,obviously I haven’t seen him since James and I got together. Though I guess I could call him now I’m single again. Wow, thanks Mila, you’re reminded me that every cloud does have a silver lining. Hot Tom!’
‘No,’ barks Mila with such force that I spill some drink on myself. ‘Hot Tom is not a silver lining situation!’
‘Why not?’
‘Let’s see. . . because you’ve been hooking up, on and off, for over a year now and it’s not going anywhere. Because your number is stored underJasmine Fuckbuddyon his phone. Because he only rings you when he’s drunk. Because he has never, ever, stayed for breakfast. It’s not exactly the beginnings of a beautiful love story, is it? Jas, you are a brilliant, beautiful, sunshine of a person and I want to see you happy. You deserve so much more and your list of exes is not okay, babes.’
‘Alright! I get it. What are you doing now?’ Mila has picked her phone up and I know we’re both keen for chicken but she literally checked two minutes ago.
‘Researching,’ she says mysteriously, pulling a pen out of her bag and scribbling things down on a piece of paper.
‘Researching what?’
After a while her eyes light up. ‘Oh. Bingo. I’ve just found an article called “Seven Dates To Find The One”. Listen to this. . . “Lucky number seven: New research has found that the average number of people we date before finding The One is seven.”’ Mila reads aloud.
‘Okaaaaay. Well I’ve definitely dated more than seven guys already and I am no closer to finding The One so, what are we saying, that I’ve failed? Shall I just give up now?’
‘Stop feeling sorry for yourself! You just said that you’re back to square one, right? So let’s make the most of that. Let’s wipe the slate clean. Let’s have a fresh start. Let’s takethis article as inspiration and find you seven new men to date.’ She holds seven fingers up and wiggles them at me.
Sevennew men?
‘But I don’t really want to go on any new dates, let alone SEVEN. In fact, I’d really like to go back in time and for James to realise that I’m the perfect girlfriend, not get dumped and carry on with my life as it was a couple of hours ago. Can you find an article on how to do that?’
Mila’s not even trying to look sympathetic anymore. Instead a huge neon ‘I HAVE A PLAN’ sign has popped up above her head and her eyes are darting around the room as she hatches some new, possibly hideous ideas. I’m scared, you guys. Within seconds she has sent me a link to the article, drawn a huge number seven on her piece of paperandstarted talking to me like I’m a new recruit at boot camp.
‘James acted like a complete jerk, so there will be no travelling back in time to fix this. He is over.’
‘But he was as close to perfect as I’ve found in ages.’
Mila sighs. ‘Exactly. Your idea of perfect needs a serious rethink. Let’s talk through your type and see if we can so some trouble-shooting.’
‘Okay,’ I say, finally warming to the subject. I may not have much dating success but I do know exactly what I’m after. ‘Tall, dark and handsome. And I like sporty boys. Ooh, and green eyes are always a bonus. I like guys in suits and if they work in some kind of finance situation, that’s good too.’
‘City wankers are your catnip. Extra points for being an outrageous flirt.’
This is also true. I squirm, suddenly finding this sofa very uncomfy.
‘Herewe are then!’ Mila tears off the top sheet of her notepad and lays it out on the coffee table. On the left-hand side of her giant number seven is a list. . .
My Type on Paper
1. Tall, dark, handsome
2. Buff AF and into sports
