“It’s pretty obvious. You come here. You mope around while you imagine what he might be getting up to with his date. But none of that is going to help you.”
“What will then?” I asked. “Because I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me? Even if I do like Jamie?—”
“You do.”
“Even if I do?—”
“Youdo.”
“Fine, I like Jamie!” I exclaimed, throwing out my arms. “I still don’t know if I can be with him. Even if it’s not too late, and he’s not totally into this new guy, who says I can even give him what he wants?”
“Good point. I could call one of these cute twinks over to make out with you. You’d figure it out real fast.”
Everything in me rejected that so strongly I lurched off my barstool. “No fucking way.”
“Because the idea of a man repulses you?”
“No, because he’s not—” I raked a hand through my hair, stomach knotted up. The realization was there, pulsing behind my breastbone. “He wouldn’t be?—”
I swallowed hard, tasted the words on my tongue, rolledthem around. Fox waited me out, more patient than I’d ever seen him.
“Just say it, Hank.”
“He’s not Jamie,” I whispered.
Fox patted my arm. “Right. So, that’s an answer too, isn’t it?”
“But I still don’t know if I can be with him like that. How do you know?” I asked, my tone almost desperate. “I can’t mess up and hurt him. I can’t lead him on, you know? If I can’t give him what he needs, I have to let him go.”
Fox snorted. “Yeah, right.”
“I’m serious.”
“Hank, be real. You’re already in love with this guy.”
My stomach swooped. “No. We’re friends. I like him, but?—”
“You’re sick over the idea he might move on without you, man. I know this might be hard for you, given you’ve shown no sign of being into dudes. But be honest, have you really not imagined more with him? Even a kiss?”
My silence spoke volumes. Maybe I’d only imagined it tonight, in that moment that Fox and the bartender kissed in front of me, but there had been deeper truths tickling at the edges of my brain for a while. I’d dismissed them, denied them.
I just liked cuddling Jamie during movies because I wanted him to be comfortable. I’d reacted so badly to Gordon flirting with him because he was an obvious douche and I was protective. I’d bent over backwards to help him with his dogs, feed him dinner, and tease smiles onto his tired face because I was a good friend, and I hadn’t had someone I really connected with in so long.
“We connect,” I murmured.
“Right.”
“I haven’t really had anyone like that,” I admitted. “Not even a girlfriend. I mean, the sex was easy, but the emotional part? It just felt so forced.”
“Now we’re getting somewhere,” Fox said. “Where is Jamie now?”
I checked the time on my phone and cringed. “Probably making out with his new boyfriend at the end of the date.”
“Dude, give your man some credit. It’s a first date. Maybe they’re exchanging an awkward hug on the porch while thinking they’re all wrong for each other.”
My stomach clenched. “Or maybe he had a great time, and he’s going to invite him inside.”
Fox sighed. “You’re going to make me drive your drunk ass over there, aren’t you?”
