“Chamuel,” Goober whispered. “Chamuel is the one you met.”
I glanced over at Shitty Ritchie. He shrugged. He’d clearly never heard the name. Not a huge surprise since he’d lived in a cave on the run from Goober his entire existence.
“How dangerous is Chamuel?” I asked, hoping Goober might shed some light.
Goober’s gaze rose slowly and pinned itself to mine. “You will need me to destroy Chamuel.”
“That’s rich,” I said with a laugh. “You got eaten by a person less than ten inches tall. Can’t really see how you’re all that and then some, Goob.”
“AND the person who ate you has an enormous dong,” Shitty Ritchie added.
I let it pass. Shoving my hands into my pockets, I felt a piece of paper. Oh my Hell. The questions. I’d forgotten about Tim’s questions. Before I could get a word out, Shitty Ritchie had what I could only call a psychotic break.
“YOU,” Shitty Ritchie shrieked. “You suck. Shitty Ritchie lived in fucking caves for millions of years because of you. I didn’t have ANY FRIENDS. None. So many times Shitty Ritchie tried to end himself.” The tiny dude was standing on his armchair and glowing like a fire work about to go off.
I wasn’t sure if he could cause a massive explosion in his own mind, but after the appearance of the sofa, chairs, cookies and dong, I didn’t know. Goober was as shocked as I was. Possibly more since the diatribe was directed at It.
“You’re disgusting,” Shitty Ritchie was on a roll. Both of his middle fingers were extended and his tiny face was blood red with fury. “You will tell us what we want to know, you motherfucker asshat. If you don’t, I will NOT drop the kids offat the pool until the end of time. You can rot in my intestines, Goober. AND I will eat lots of blue cheese and garlic. Shitty Ritchie is sick of this and I want to find Jennifer and Alana Catherine. NOW. So, you will answer Daisy, or I will eat you again.”
The silence was loaded. Shitty Ritchie promptly sat back down and continued to eat cookies as if nothing unusual had just occurred. I schooled my face to appear that I wasn’t at all alarmed at the bat-shit insane behavior of my comrade. Goober? Goober knew It was on very thin ice.
“Cheese Dick is Chamuel,” he repeated. “And the other…”
I waited. The names would be helpful, but I needed more.
“The other is Uriel,” he admitted, sounding hollow.
“You caged Chamuel and Uriel in the beginning so you could rule alone?”
Goober nodded. “It’s not that simple, but yes.”
I shook my head. Things were not adding up. “The Higher Power cannot be caged.”
Goober sighed dramatically. “Not by one. Only by two.”
“Not following.” Like Candy Vargo, I was too old to pretend I understood when I didn’t.
“Scum like you can’t comprehend greatness,” Goober said dismissively.
Shitty Ritchie didn’t like that. At all. The tiny man went off for fifteen minutes straight in my defense. He threatened to do things to Goober that would give me night and day terrors for a very long time. Even Goober was horrified. After a graphically detailed description of peeling the skin from Goober’s body and inserting it into every orifice Goober owned, the tiny dude lost his mind. When he dropped trou and mooned Goober, I freaked out thinking he was about to poop the abomination out. Diving across the floorless room, Iclapped Shitty Ritchie’s butt cheeks together with so much force it sounded like a gun shot.
Shitty Ritchie laughed like a loon when he realized what I thought he was going to do. He swore on his newly enhanced junk that he was just going to fart. And of course, he’d added that he’d enjoyed the spanking. To say I was appalled wouldn’t begin to cover it.
One, I couldn’t believe I’d touched his butt.
Two, I didn’t know why he thought farting on Goober was a good plan.
Three, we needed to get the hell out of here.
Pulling myself together took a few minutes. When I finally trusted that I wouldn’t scream, I turned and looked at Goober. He was still in the chair and still shell shocked.
“Vengeance,” I said. “Compassion. Logic.”
I waited for a reaction. I didn’t get one. I needed more than Goober was willing to give. However, he now was aware that he’d been eaten by Shitty Ritchie. He knew he was trapped. What he didn’t want to tell me today, he might give more freely later.
“We’re leaving,” I said, pointing at Shitty Ritchie. “You’re not, Goober.”
“You said if I gave you information I could leave,” It insisted, getting panicky.
