3
ASTRID
“Do notunderanycircumstances show me your junk,” I shouted at Uncle Fucker as he unzipped his pants and prepared to drop trou.
We were in the ornate foyer of the Cressida House and it was fast becoming a zoo. Martha, Jane and Connie, still greased up, but thankfully dressed, were standing at the base of the grand staircase with their mouths wide open. Martha and Jane clutched the railing to stand upright due to the unsightly new boulders hanging off their bony chests. All three were bleeding. Jane had a gnarly black eye. Martha had lost part of her saggy ass, and Connie sported a fat lip and a bloody nose. A bunch of undead Nosy Parkers were huddled on the stairs waiting for the Devil to reveal his private package. Lizard stood with his boss. The beret-wearing Demon was shaking his head, chomping his gum and doing his best not to laugh. He was failing.
“I am going to prove that my cock is enormous,” Satan bellowed. “I do NOT have a petite pecker.”
Shit. This was not how I saw my day unfolding. I was already dealing with a slimed up human witch and the grossly overendowed Martha and Jane. Who did I fuck over in a past life to have to deal with so much crap?
“Nope,” I hissed, raising my sparking hands over my head. “If you pull that thing out, you’re gonna lose it.”
Satan’s eyes narrowed dangerously and he glared at me. “You wouldn’t dare.”
“Try me.”
It was a standoff. The Devil had his hand in his pants holding his peen and mine were poised ready to zap it off. How was this my life?
“I’m fucking Satan,” he roared. “If I want to reveal the extraordinary size of my cock to prove its outstanding girth and length I shall do so. Lizard, take out your phone and record. We shall post my manhood on the internet as proof.”
Lizard pulled out his phone. I was so done.
“DUDE,” I yelled, swallowing back a half-scream-half-laugh. “How many times do I have to tell you to get a new catch phrase? Unless something has changed and you can now bang yourself, theI’m fucking Satanthing is a total cringe. It’s gotta go. And Lizard, put your damn phone away.” Point to me for using the younger generation’s lingo in a sentence. Samuel would be proud.
Lizard obeyed with a grin. He was enjoying the Hell out of this.
On the other hand, the Devil looked as if he was going to implode. I almost conceded and let him pull his wank out to avoid an explosion that would level the Cressida House, but self-preservation prevailed. Seeing my uncle’s junk was something I couldn’t come back from. The Cressida House could be rebuilt.
“Take that back,” he ground out.
I rolled my eyes. “Can you bang yourself?”
“Of course not,” he growled.
“Then I can’t take it back,” I replied, hands still over my head ready to castrate the Devil. The odds that he’d ever been castrated in the billions of years he’d been alive were seriouslylow. Going down in history as the one who’d de-peckered Satan wasn’t on my bucket list or my fuck-it list.
Slowly Uncle Fucker pulled his hand from his pants. I lowered mine even slower. The standoff was far from over. The devilish gleam in his eyes—pun very much intended—meant we were just getting started.
Shit.
“Fine,” he said with a wicked grin. “I must say, I love what you’ve done with your hair, niece of mine.”
My eyes narrowed to slits. It was clear his words weren’t a compliment. I waited for the other shoe to drop.
It dropped.
“Yes,” Satan purred. “How on earth do you get it to come out of your nose like that?”
If we were gonna play that game, he was about to lose. “You know… you’ve had eternity to be a gaping jackass. Maybe you should take today off.”
He zapped me. I zapped him back. The undead on the stairs took off like their asses were on fire. Martha, Jane, Connie and Lizard pulled cash out and started making bets. We both smacked out the fires and kept going.
“Ohhh, Astrid,” Uncle Fucker said, still smoldering. “I’m an acquired taste. If you don’t adore me, you need to acquire some taste.”
“Nice one, boss,” Lizard said.
“Milk-bomb McJugs,” Martha hooted. “Don’t let that autogamous turd best you!”
