Everything stopped and we all stared at Martha.
“Umm…” I squinted at her. “Define autogamous.”
She looked confused. “I don’t rightly fuckin’ know what it means. Connie fed me the line.”
Connie Raven Enid Delacroix stepped forward with a grin so wide it had to hurt. Her face was a mix of sticky white sunscreenand blood pouring from her nose and lip. It wasn’t a good look. “Autogamous is the term used for an organism that can self-fertilize. It has been noted in certain hermaphroditic plants, invertebrates, protozoans and clearly Satan himself.”
Oh my God. The witch was either severely brain damaged or had a death wish. Whatever. It was genius.
I threw my head back and laughed. Connie Raven Enid Delacroix could stay for a week. Satan, on the other hand, screamed and stomped his foot so hard it created a decent sized crater in the marble floor.
“I am NOT fucking myself,” he roared. “And why is a slimy human in the Cressida house?”
“She’s a witch,” I said quickly, wiggling my fingers and dropping a protection ward around her just in case Uncle Fucker wanted retribution. No Immortal species was allowed to harm humans, but we were dealing with Satan’s dick here. No telling what could go sideways.
“Oh. Okay,” he said as if it was normal to have a smack-talking witch caked in white goop and blood hanging out in a Vamp compound. He eyed her. “Watch your mouth, witch.”
Connie Raven Enid Delacroix saluted the nutbag. “Will do, your excellency.”
“Now that’s what I’m talking about,” he announced triumphantly while giving me the stink eye. “A little respect for your elders. And you, Astrid… you should grab a straw because you suck.”
“Interesting take, turd,” I said in a sugary sweet tone that made his brows shoot up. “If you have a problem with me, write it down on a piece of paper, fold it and shove it up your ass.”
I punctuated my diss with an electrocution to his rear end. His shocked expression was priceless. Of course, the zap I received back was equally as shocking. My left butt cheek was onfire. Not a problem. I stopped, dropped, rolled and hopped back to my feet with my middle finger extended.
He laughed. I raised the other middle finger and gave him the double birdie.
“You seem pale and soooo tired,” the Devil said way too casually. “I think it best you take acoffinbreak.”
“Don’t worry about me,” I shot back. “Worry about your eyebrows.”
“Blasphemy,” he shouted. “First you insult my cock and now my brows?”
“Actually, I didn’t insult your ween. I just repeated what I’d heard.Yousaid Vamps were pussies. Totally different circumstances,” I snapped. “You’re a dumbass.”
“Vamps are pussies,” he said with a shrug. “The truth hurts. AND, I want to know the names of the soon to be deceased shits who are spreading such vicious lies about my manhood.”
“Oh my Hell,” I muttered, pressing the bridge of my nose. “I think I’m getting brain damage listening to you talk.”
“Yes, well, you’re giving me mental hives,” he informed me.
Lizard stepped in. That was not necessarily a good thing. There was no telling what he would say. “I think we can agree that all Immortals can be pussies occasionally.”
“Not me,” Satan insisted, perturbed. “I’m not a pussy and I have an enormous member.”
“Vamps are not pussies,” I added. “Ever.”
“And I have enormous tits,” Jane joined the conversation, pointing with both hands are her F cups and promptly falling over.
She was electrocuted simultaneously by both Uncle Fucker and me.
“As I was saying,” Lizard continued, helping Jane to her feet and then giving both her and Martha loud wet kisses with lots of tongue that made me want to hurl. Again, I was reminded thatVamps could not empty the contents of their stomachs even if the situation merited it. “Let’s define pussy.”
“Let’s not,” I said in my outdoor voice as Connie Raven Enid Delacroix stepped up to chime in. This had devolved into something icky. Seriously icky.
“No worries,” Lizard said. “Lend an ear. I have a story for you. It’s about how we can all be friends.”
“Fuck,” I heard Satan mumble under his breath.
