“I’m waiting,” I snapped, crossing my arms over my chest and tapping my foot impatiently. “Name. Now.”
His eyes narrowed. “Fine,” he snarled. “I’ll play your little game, false prophet. I’m Charles Randolph Edward the 3rd. I’m the esteemed leader of the Oklahoma Vampires.”
“Awesome, Chuck. Good for you!” I raised my hand up for a high five. I was pretty sure I heard Astrid giggle down below, but it could have been Lizard. The man tended to giggle like a girl in times of high anxiety.
Chuck left me hanging. Not a big surprise. Pushing past him, I flicked on the light switch, and scanned the room. Each of the eight dirtbags shielded their eyes for a moment. Overhead lighting clearly wasn’t their bag. With a wiggle of my finger, I made the switch impossible to turn off. I liked it better that way, mostly because they didn’t. I was nice like that.
“Where’s Ethan?” I demanded. “Chuck, Chucky, Chuck, I’m really disappointed in you and all your stinky friends. I was told to come here and trade my life for Ethan’s. I don’t see Ethan. Now that’s a FUCKING PROBLEM, CHUCK.”
I was positive I heard Astrid mutter, oh my fucking God, but I ignored it. The bun boys weren’t used to a devilish Astrid. They were probably used to a more compassionate version of my niece. Compassionate wasn’t in my vocab. Today, it was the new, and in my not so humble opinion, improved Vampyre Princess.
Chuck and his buds were taken aback. However, that didn’t last for long.
One of the shart stains lifted a heavy red velvet blanket off of a chair with a flourish and a diabolical laugh. A barely alive Ethan was underneath it. It was fucking bad.
“What the actual Hell?” I ground out.
“I do believe it’s time for you to take his place,” the Vamp snarled. “Your prince only has about thirty minutes left.”
“Name?” I growled. He stared back blankly. I didn’t like that. “Iaskedyou your name? Now, you have two choices, you tell me your name, or I beat it out of you. What’s it gonna be?”
The irreverence took the imbecile by surprise. So much surprise that he answered me. “Sherman Collier Adams the 4th.”
“Great,” I said. “So, Schmuck, you think this was a good plan? Messing with the Prince of the North Fucking American Dominion? You think?”
“Shut your insolent mouth,” Schmuck cried out, furious. “I am your elder. I will not be disrespected.”
“Wow! Fascinating,” I said, nodding my head slowly. “You wanna know who your fucking elders are, Schmuck? Do you? I’m sure you do.” The Vamp was wildly confused. No one expected for Astrid to have lost her shit. She hadn’t, but I was about to. I was about to lose my shit on them. Reminding myself I was Astrid and not me, I let old Schmuck have it. “My grandmother is Mother Nature and she’s certifiably insane. Of course, that makes her Ethan’s grandmother-in-law. And trust me on this, Schmuck, she’s going to be pissed. She loves Ethan because he lets her pole dance in his compound. Oh! And then there’s my devastatingly handsome Uncle Satan. The man. The myth. The legend. By marriage, he’s also Ethan’s uncle. Did you think about that? DID YOU?”
Schmuck wasn’t quite sure what was happening. If Astrid had been in her own skin, she would have traded herself already. That would have ended very badly. Thankfully, and I never in a million years would have thought I would say it, butit was good that my batshit crazy mother had switched us. I was going ham on these fuckers.
I glanced back at Ethan. What they’d done was beyond inhumane. The Vampyre was chained in silver from head to toe. His skin sizzled under the metal that was poisonous for Vamps. He was shirtless and his head lolled back and forth as if he just came out of a boxing ring and had lost handily. That would be impossible. The man could hold his own with me. There was a needle in his arm connected to a tube and a plastic bag of something clipped to a pole. My guess was silver. Silver literally destroyed Vamps and these fuckers were using it way too freely for my comfort.
When another Vamp put a silver dagger to Ethan’s neck, I shook my head. I was over this crap. “Name?” I shouted at the top of my lungs.
Again, the shock of my question made him answer, or maybe it was the volume. Didn’t matter.
“Franklin Wilhelm Boggins the 5th.”
“Great, Fuck. Chuck, Schmuck, and Fuck. You guys just kill me. I’m going to recommend that you don’t put that dagger into Ethan, because if you do it, Fuck, I’m going to be compelled to shove it up your ass, twist it and yank your intestines out. Capish?”
The party in my pants began with a scream. It was Astrid, but it was my voice. Chuck and crew were confused. That was lovely, it gave me a moment to decapitate Chuck’s chum who I decided to call, Yuck. Chuck, Fuck, Schmuck and Yuck had a nice ring. Yuck never saw me coming. I was that good. However, the party in my pants was ramping up along with the seven remaining evil mofos.
Shit was about to get weird. Apparently, Astrid forgot about coming out of my pants before she reversed the shrinking spell.
“BIG BOY PANTS, MOTHER FUCKER,” she shouted, going back to full size while still in my pants.
Lizard, not one to be left out, also yelled, Big Boy Pants, Motherfucker, while hanging onto my leg. That was awkward. However, the awkward that took the cake was that I had two full-sized adults in my pantaloons and it wasnotgoing well.
The sound of the pants ripping from seam to seam should have been mortifying. It wasn’t. I was so delighted not to be wearing the purple pantaloons anymore, I was giddy. Thankfully, I was wearing panties.
Jane and Martha were tossed into the air as the pantaloons bit the dust. They went full size as they soared and landed on either side of Ethan. The Chaos of the moment gave them the opening to grab the dagger from a flabbergasted Fuck.
“Is this the asshole you wanted disemboweled?” Jane yelled, pointing at Fuck with the dagger.
“The one and only,” I said, pulling Astrid and Lizard to their feet.
Martha and Jane didn’t waste a second. Fuck was disemboweled and beheaded in less than a minute. The old gals impressed me.
