I mulled it over for a moment that I hated sparing. Every minute we stood here and debated was another minute Ethan wasn’t safe. I’d done my share of stupid in my lifetime. I was certain I’d do more. Today, I was potentially about to do the stupidest thing I’d ever done.
“We should pick a battle cry,” Martha suggested. “Like never give up! Never surrender!”
“Or, For Frodo!” Jane proposed.
I groaned. “This isn’tGalaxy QuestorLord of the Rings,dumbasses. It’s real life.”
“How about a team name for us?” Lizard said.
“Like what?” Satan asked. “The Stupid Brigade?”
“Nope,” the nutty Demon said with a grin. “I was thinkin’ the Pantaloon Platoon.”
I laughed, feeling on the verge of hysteria. This was the craziest battle plan I’d ever attempted, and I was certain it would go down in the annals of history as one of the top Darwin Award moments ever. But if I was going in, I was going all in.
“Lizard, shrink the gals,” I instructed as I handed Uncle Fucker the purple pantaloons. “Put these ass-widening pants on and get ready. The Pantaloon Platoon is going to Oklahoma to kick some ass.”
I was going with a quote from George Carlin—Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. The Oklahoma Vamps were a bunch of idiots coming for me and mine. And while I wasn’t stupid enough to underestimate them, I knew they’d underestimate me.
That would be their downfall.
Thanks to Lizard’s moronic plan, I was about to meet those dummies at their own level. They’d better kiss their asses goodbye, because I was about to show them that if you live by thestupid, you die by thestupid.
Long live the Pantaloon Platoon.
