I kept going. “And I, as Satan, and you, as you, will wrap ourselves around his legs like freaking contortionists and go in as well?”
“Yep.”
“Umm… won’t that be a little bulky looking?” I asked, wondering if Lizard’s two brain cells had disconnected somehow.
“Not if he wears these,” Lizard announced with a grin as he snapped his fingers and produced the infamously heinous pair of purple pantaloons.
“What the actual fuck?” Satan yelled. “Where did you get those?”
“Your closet,” Lizard confirmed. “We’re gonna redeem the fuckin’ pantaloons. In the past they caused misery. Today they’re gonna bring victory.”
“Can you remind me what happens next?” I asked. The plan had been so convoluted, I was pretty sure I blacked out at the wrapping myself around Satan’s leg part.
“Sure can,” he said. “Satan, as you, walks in and makes the shites take him to Ethan. Once he ascertains that Ethan is alive and well, my babes hop out of his pockets, we slide off his legs and out the bottom of the pantaloons, then we kill the shit out of all the Vamps standing. We grab Ethan and skedaddle on back to Kentucky. Easy peasy.”
“Not happening,” Satan said. “That’s the worst goddamn plan I’ve ever heard. Plus, I don’t wear pantaloons.”
“You’re not you,” I reminded him. “You’re me.”
He squinted at me in disbelief. “You think this is a solid strategy?”
“No, I think it sucks, but if you’re worried about your ego, and I’m sure you are, it wouldn’t technically be you wearing the pantaloons.” I threw a hand up and shrugged. “I’m just sayin’.”
Satan looked quietly disgruntled. Almost as if I hurt his feelings.
Lizard was a tad insulted. “Do either of you have a better plan?”
“Yes! Call Mother Nature,” I hissed to Satan. “Tell her to reverse the damned spell. She’s your mother, and we don’t have time for this crappy punishment right now. Ethan’s life is on theline. If that doesn’t warrant a timeout on this freaky-ass Friday lesson, I don’t know what does.”
Satan had his mother on speed dial. It went right to voice mail.
“Again,” I snapped. “Call her again.”
The result was the same. I turned and blasted what was left of the snooker parlor to ash. Uncle Fucker blew up every rusted-out car on the street. Lizard, not wanting to be left out, took his bat to a street lamp and swung at it until it exploded. Martha and Jane just cussed like sailors. It was creative, vile and all kinds of wrong. However, it was appropriate considering the circumstances.
“We have to go. Now,” I insisted, feeling slightly out of control. My skin felt hot and cold at the same time. I was wildly tempted to peel it off my body.
“No,” Uncle Fucker said, grabbing me by the shoulders and giving me a shake. “We have to center ourselves and strategize. Showing up with no plan is a sure-fire way to get people killed who we don’t want to die.”
“But we have a plan,” Jane said. “Lizard’s plan.”
Satan ran his hands though my hair in frustration. “I don’t know. It’s stupid, risky and stupid.” His brow furrowed, and his lip curled up in a snarl as he met my gaze. “Did I mention stupid?”
“You did,” I replied. “But the question is… is it stupid enough to work?”
Glances were exchanged. No one would ever expect that I would show up with pint-sized killers in my pockets, and a Demon along with the Devil himself wrapped around my legs. Granted, the Devil was me and I was the Devil, but they wouldn’t know that.
Hell, Uncle Fucker was right. It was stupid. Power and stupidity together were dangerous. I wasn’t sure if Lizard’sfarked up plan would be dangerous for us or dangerous for the enemy.
“Albert Einstein said—The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits,” the Devil stated.
“And stupid doesn’t?” I asked, still unconvinced that the plan could do anything but get Ethan decapitated.
“Not that I can tell,” my uncle said. “No limits are better than limits.”
“The reasoning is warped,” I told him.
He shrugged. “What in the Immortal world isn’t warped? I’m you. You’re me.”
