“My liege,” Lizard said, chomping his gum and choking up on his bat. “What’s going on?”
I stood and held up a hand. “I’ve got this,” I said, flatly. My heart still raced, but I had my emotions under control. “It’s a message from the Oklahoma Vamps. They have Ethan’s phone and they have him.”
“MOTHERFUCKERS,” Jane shouted.
“WORD,” Martha agreed.
“What do they want?” Lizard asked in a voice that made the hair on my neck stand up.
“Me. They want me. Ethan’s life in exchange for mine. They despise me and figure this is the way to end me. They want me to come alone and unarmed.”
“Are they braindead?” Satan asked. “You’re a True Immortal. You can’t die unless you choose to and they have the damn Sword of Death. Trust me, Mr. Rogers isn’t going to let some random ass Vamps from the armpit of the United States have the Sword of Death.”
I simply stared at him.
“No, Astrid,” he ground out through clenched teeth. “You will not choose to die for him.”
“He would die for me,” I shot back.
“And you think he’ll be delighted if you give your life for his?” he hissed. “I can tell you that he won’t.”
I shook my head. He wouldn’t be delighted. Ethan would be furious. But he would do the same if the tables were turned. I walked over to Uncle Fucker and got in his face. “You’re telling me you wouldn’t trade your life for Elle or Luke?”
“Of course I would,” he shouted, then froze in surprise. “Holy Hell, I would,” he whispered in wonder. “I would give my life for them in a heartbeat.”
“Then you understand,” I said.
He couldn’t answer me. A lie would be absurd, and the truth was too awful to speak out loud.
“May I pontificate on the subject?” Lizard asked. “I have some thoughts.”
“Yes,” I said. This would either be brilliant, or alarming, or brilliantly alarming. One could never tell with Lizard. “But make it quick.”
He nodded and shoved another piece of gum into his mouth. “I say ain’t nobody gonna die except these sons-of-bitches whosent you that text.” He tapped his baseball bat against his palm, and there was a homicidal look in his eyes that I felt to the bottom of my soul. “Here’s the plan…,” he said, then proceeded to spew out one Hell of a messed-up plan.
We all stood there in stunned to silence when he finished. I wasn’t sure if I’d just lived through a fever dream or if the Demon had no gray matter left in his brain.
It took Uncle Fucker a full minute to make words. “So, your plan is to shrink Martha and Jane to pocket size. Did I hear that correctly?”
“Yeppers,” he said with a quick thumbs up.
“Is that even possible?” I asked, confused.
“It is,” Martha said, waggling her eye brows. “Normally, we do it for nookie purposes, but we can use it for killing jackasses as well.”
Never in my life was I going to ask for clarification on shrinking for nookie purposes. Never ever, ever.
“How?” Satan asked.
Lizard was positively smug. “I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a Unicorn who blackmailed a Troll who got it from the Fairies and BINGO, I learned me a shrinkin’ spell.”
I looked at Satan.
His mouth was wide open.
“You expect Satan,as me, to go into the Oklahoma Vampyre compound with Martha and Jane in his pockets?” I questioned.
“Correct,” Lizard said.
