“Goodbye, Bonnie and Clyde,” Jane added, giving each a loud thwack.
“Oh my God.” Astrid groaned. “You named them?”
“They have their own fuckin’zip code, Hootie McMammary. Of course, we named them,” Jane told her.
I laughed. It was unexpected and felt bizarre. Cleansing, even. Wipe and Lizard joined me. Jane and Martha followed. Then, Connie and Henderson. Astrid was the last to participate, but she laughed the hardest. Maybe Lizard was right. Adding a little misguided and absurd sorrow in between the funny or dramatic brought balance. I considered doing a tap dance, but thought better of it.
The witch stepped forward with her wand extended. She smiled at the old gals and waved the magic stick in a circular motion. In a flash of lavender crystals, the eye sores disappeared. The idiots now looked normal, or as normal as they could look.
“Lookin’ sexy ladies,” Lizard said, giving his mates a thumbs up.
They giggled and jumped him. The sloppy kissing was loud and unappetizing. The group, en masse, walked about fifty feet away at a quick clip. No one wanted to watch that.
“I think it’s time for Henderson and Wipe to be on their way,” I announced. “We have private business to discuss.”
“Agreed,” Astrid said. “Wipe, it’s been a pleasure. Henderson, it was nice to meet you. You both have an open invitation to visit the Cressida House at your leisure.”
Both of the Vamps looked confused. No wonder. The body and voice of Satan had just invited them to the Vampyre compound. I gave my niece the eyeball and she slapped her hand over my mouth.
“No! I meant Hell,” she amended between splayed fingers. “You have an open invite to Hell. My bad.”
“Actually,” I cut in. “Wipe can visit Hell. Henderson and his tampon are not welcome.”
It was Astrid’s turn to give me the evil eye. We were batting zero at the moment.
Lizard, done with his horrifying make-out session, jumped in to the failing word vomit. That was usually a terrible thing, but at the rate Astrid and I were going, Lizard’s special kind of strange was welcome.
“Before Wipe and Henderson skedaddle, I wanted to ask Wipe if he had anymore luck with them dates?”
Both Astrid and I turned to look at Connie. She made the international zip the lip sign and shrugged. The witch was definitely in cahoots with my mother. Eventually, they would all pay heavily for this bullshit. It was clear she wasn’t going to talk.
Wipe scratched his head and grinned at Astrid, who was me. “Welp, I’d like to start my parting monologue with a formal acceptance to play dead in Times Square on Friday. I’d also like to point out that there’s a Yankees baseball game that evening. If we get out of the morgue in time, I’d suggest we make the seventh inning stretch our bitch. The head camera dude is an Angel who owes me a fuck ton of money and I can make him put our fake deaths on the jumbotron. It’ll be epic!”
I screamed. It was involuntary. I’d been correct about adding Wipe to my friend tree. He was a genius.
Astrid closed her eyes for a long moment, but did me a solid. It was heartening that she didn’t laugh or give me shit. Instead, she nodded at Wipe. “Excellent. It’s a date.”
My esteem for my niece went up.
“Alrighty then,” Wipe continued. “Those dates are still giving me gas. I’ve been searching high and low and keep coming up empty.”
“May I be of assistance?” Henderson inquired. “I’m an encyclopedia of useless information. Maybe, I can aid you in your quest. Also, if it isn’t any trouble, I’d quite enjoy playing dead in Times Square and at the Yankees game too. I adore the tight pants.”
Wipe glanced over at Astrid who was actually me. Astrid deferred to me, who was wearing her skin. Confusing didn’t even begin to cover it. I rolled my eyes then nodded curtly. He could come, but if the imbecile brought up tampons during the outing, I’d dismember him.
“We’d be pleased to have your company on the lawless fieldtrip,” she said, biting back a grin.
“Wonderful!” Henderson said. “Tell me the mysterious dates.”
“December 17th, 1976 and August 6th, 2003,” Wipe supplied.
Henderson’s brow wrinkled in thought. He walked in a circle then hopped from one foot to another for approximately ten minutes. We watched in perplexed silence.
“Oh!” he finally screeched making everyone jump. “I believe I know.”
I froze. Astrid froze. In the Immortal world coincidences were rare. Had the emotional tampon been placed in our paths on purpose?
“Freaky Friday!” he shouted, pumping his fists over his head. “My favorite movie of all time next toShowgirlsandSense and Sensibility.”
