I bit down on my lip so hard I tasted blood. Decapitating them after they’d spread the word that my cock was tiny to protect my son would be bad. I knew that. I really did. However, they’d just called my cock both a wank and a peen. That alone was dismemberment worthy. I was a dick, but not abaddick. It was excruciating, but I would not resort to violence… this time.
“I don’t think he’s a narcissist,” I ground out.
“Totally a narcissist,” Critter Steve assured me. “And a dick.”
“That was a compliment, right? The dick part?” I questioned.
“Absolutely,” Critter Steve said. “I aspire to be a dick like that.”
“Doesn’t everyone?” I asked, pleased that my rep was intact. “Why don’t you two go and chat with Henderson. I think he needs a tampon.”
“On it, Astrid!” Trapper Rick said as he and Critter Steve trotted ahead.
I wanted to expel a breath. I wanted my cock and balls back. I didn’t want to be wearing shit-brown gauchos and knee socks. I wanted a lot of things. Mostly, I wanted to be me again. I just needed to figure out how to get there. If I was being honest, which was very overrated, I’d have to admit that I admired my niece. Possibly, respected her… She’d handled being me in a tough situation outstandingly. I’d been impressed. She’d done me better than I could have done me. Shocking, but true. I wouldn’t have bothered to get to the bottom of the Critter Steve and Trapper Rick’s situation, and that would have been worse than sending them to the cesspits for saying my ass looked big. Fuck. Was I a narcissist? Of course not. I was amazing.
A private talk with Astrid was in order. Lizard, Martha, Jane and the fucking witch knew what was up. Henderson and Wipe did not. Speaking freely wasn’t possible. Sending the two new Vamps on their way was now the mission.
“Wait!Hold the fuck on for a minute!” Martha said, grabbing her obscene bosom with her bony hands. “Can I keep the big ones?”
“Define keep,” Astrid said, squinting at the old fool.
Jane chimed in. “Well, if we go with pert C cups, maybe we could keep the Fs as backups.”
Astrid rolled her eyes. “How exactly would youkeepthem?”
“In the fridge,” Martha explained. “Melons always last longer when you put ‘em in the fridge. Read that in Good Housekeeping.”
“Pretty sure Good Housekeeping wasn’t talking about boobs,” Astrid said flatly.
She was close to zapping the crap out of them. I was in favor of watching a good electrocution, but we needed to converse. The goal was the removal of the Vamps who weren’t privy to the identity switch. Fighting about disgusting lady bumps wasn’t going to get us to our goal.
“No. Absolutely not,” I said. “You may not keep the unsightly bosoms in the fridge. The optics are foul. Plus, the stench of detached hooters would be debilitating.”
Jane and Martha exchanged concerned glances.
“That’s a fine point,” Jane said, sorrowfully. “I’m gonna miss these fuckin’ knobs, but I ain’t gonna miss falling on my face, ass in the air, like a porn star.”
“Word,” Martha agreed. “Connie, we’re ready for a set of smaller chesticles.”
“I’m really gonna pine for my sweater meat,” Jane said, slapping her bosom so hard everyone winced. “But all big chest puppies have to go back to Gazonga Heaven at some point. Maybe we could perform a funeral for the tatas.”
“Not happening,” Astrid said, pressing her temples and holding onto her sanity by a thread. “We need to get to Oklahoma ASAP. You’re worthless in a battle with the mongo fun-bags. While it was very… umm generous andextremelyshortsighted of Connie to curse you with ginormous jugs, they have to go.”
“Darling Martha and Jane.” Connie Raven Enid Delacroix pulled her wand out. “Not to worry. If you’d ever like the F cups back for a special occasion, I shall be at your service!”
Martha squealed. “I was thinkin’ the fleshbulbs might be good when we go on tour.”
“Yesssss!” Jane screamed. “That’ll sell some fuckin’ tickets along with our stellar singing!”
“Not,” I muttered.
“Roger that,” Astrid agreed with a pained chuckle.
“Are you ready, ladies?” Connie Raven Enid Delacroix inquired.
The nodded their sparsely haired heads.
“Goodbye, Romeo and Juliet,” Martha said, caressing her chest.
