“Get down,” Lizard instructed.
We squatted en masse. Lizard quietly pointed to a group approaching the snooker parlor. They were all huge, bald, tatted and armed within an inch of their lives. They werenothuman. There were ten of them, and they were Fairies. I didn’t particularly enjoy Fairies. I’d been banned from Zanthia for bullshit reasons I couldn’t even remember.
“Fuck,” Astrid muttered.
“What?” I whispered, watching them talk and laugh amongst themselves before entering the establishment.
“It’s the Fairy Gang,” she told me. “They’re on the Most Wanted list in Zanthia for murder and mutilation. They went on a mass killing spree of their own people—men, women and children.”
“Seriously?” I asked through clenched teeth. I might not like Fairies in general, but I did like children. A lot. I didn’t give a shit about the species. “Why don’t I fucking know about this?”
“It was on the agenda last month, boss,” Lizard said.
I rolled my eyes. I didn’t read the damn agendas. They were sent out every week by my do-gooder brother, God. It was meant to keep the Immortal world connected. After I’d read the notice about the seven-course meal in Nirvana that Mother Nature was hosting a few years back, I ignored the agendas completely. I didn’t care about connecting with idiots, and Icertainly wasn’t going to get poisoned by my mother’s cooking. However, I might start skimming the agendas in the future…
“Why are they running rampant on Earth? Why isn’t Gemma controlling her people?” I demanded, pissed.
“They’ve been on it, but these bastards are tricky,” Astrid muttered. “Ididread my agenda and God said that the Fairy Gang was set on causing chaos within all the species leading to us to end our own kinds. God also said they were focused on the Demons first.”
“What the actual fuck?” I ground out.
“Dude, dude, dude,” she said as a slow dastardly grin pulled at her lips. Astrid’s eyes narrowed and her hands began to spark. “Relax your crack. I say change of plans.”
I grinned back and was well aware that my eyes were shooting flames. “I’m listening.”
“While I have committed to dropping trou and showing off your enormous wank, I think we should mow down some evil murdering bastards first. Just a little fun with some justice thrown in. You know, getting rid of some bad rubbish before the wank reveal.”
I eyed her. “Me likey, Dickie,” I replied with a chuckle. “The Fairy Queen will owe us.”
“Not why we’re doing it, Pussycat,” she said with a disgusted shake of her head. “We’re doing it because they’re freaking murderers and we’re going to stop them before they harm again. Killing for sport makes my ass itch.”
I figured she’d balk at the favor part. Gemma, the Fairy Queen, was her bestie. Didn’t matter. I’d definitely call in a favor. A big one.
“Little worried my hooters are gonna get in the way of offin’ shitass Fairies,” Martha lamented.
“True that,” Jane grunted. “We shoulda asked Connie for C cups. These bong-bongs are a hot shitshow.”
I spoke before I thought. “You will stay out here. I forbid you from going in,” I commanded. “You strange freaks are the mates of my best friend and your deaths would be unacceptable. Plus, Elle would have my ass in a sling if you croaked on my clock. For reasons unknown to me, my mate and my child adore you idiots.”
The moment I realized what I’d said, I slapped my hand over my mouth. What the Hell? That was nice. I wasn’t nice. What the fuck was happening to me? Was it the vagina? It had to be the vagina. Getting rid of the vagina was paramount.
Four sets of eyes stared at me, wide with shock. I was certain mine matched.
“What the heck?” Astrid gasped out with a huge smile. “That was beautiful, Uncle Fucker.”
I closed my eyes and willed myself not to set her on fire. This was one of the worst days of my life. “It was not beautiful. It was… strategic,” I said flatly. I should have stopped there. My brain didn’t get the message. “Lizard would be a wreck if his hookers ceased to be. That would mean he wouldn’t be available to go to Times Square with me on Friday and play dead.”
“I’m sorry, what?” Astrid asked, laughing.
“Cakehole. Shut it,” I snarled. “None of this happened. Erase the last few sentences I spoke, or I will be forced to destroy your lives.”
“Roger that,” Jane said with a grin so wide it had to hurt.
“Spanky LeSpankHiney likes us!” Martha added.
“Ido notlike you,” I hissed. “I have never liked you and Hell will have to freeze over before I like you.”
“Right, Pussycat,” Astrid said with a chuckle. “Whatever you say.”
