“Excellent!” I shouted. My BFF was sharp.
“Not,” Astrid ground out with an exasperated sigh. “With all due respect to Lizard, it’s a fucking idiotic plan. First, UncleFucker has my voice, not his. If I stand there with a phone and let a female voice speak for me, it’s not gonna work. Secondly, I made friends with Critter Steve and Trapper Rick when I met them in London a while back. They might recognize my voice.”
“Wait,” I said, holding up a hand and trying a new angle. “How about you pretend to have lost your voice and you brought me along to speak for you! It’s genius. You just stand there as me looking gorgeous and badass. I, as you… as me… shall do all the talking.”
“Did you hear my second point?” she asked. “They know me. I like them. They like me. Not gonna fly, dumbass.”
She wasn’t pleased. She could join the club.
“And while we’re chatting about stupid shit,” Astrid continued. “What exactly did the Demons do to get the night soil men punishment?”
“Insolence,” I reminded her.
“Sure. But what did they do? Define the insolence.”
Fuck. I couldn’t recall. It must have been bad. Of course, it was bad. I wasn’t a dick. Well, I was a dick, but not a dick-dick.
“Lizard,” I commanded. “Answer Astrid.”
“Wasn’t there, chief,” he said. “I don’t know what the boys did to deserve such a crappy punishment.”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
The expression on Astrid’s slashmyface was one of disbelief. “Holy crap. You don’t know, do you?”
“Of course I do,” I snarled. “I’m the Devil. I know everything! And I will not tolerate being interrogated.”
She laughed. Hard. The sound wasn’t joyful or filled with humor. It was filled with incredulousness. I was very tempted to electrocute her, but didn’t. It was appalling to admit she was right. There was no way in Hell I would tell her that she was correct… but she was. I had no idea why I’d sent Critter Steve and Trapper Rick into the cesspits of London.
Whatever. It didn’t matter. What was done was done. The cretins were obviously still alive and kicking if they had a snooker date with the whack job Cred. They were probably living it up in London having a grand old time. It was very likely I’d done them a favor. I was good like that.
However, I felt a little less inclined to electrocute the assholes. That was new and different for me. Sogdroth would have a fucking field day with that info. I was not going to tell the bastard. Going soft wasn’t a good look for the Devil.
“Fine,” I ground out through clenched teeth. “We shall go with your plan.”
“Which one?” Astrid asked.
“The one where we go in and you drop your pants to show them MY HUGE cock. It would be quite helpful if you’re able to get them to take back the rumor and beg for mercy. Preferably, on their knees. It would possibly eliminate the necessity of electrocution. Then… and only then, will you make a very lame and vague expression of slight regret for sending them to the cesspits. You will avoid the words,I’m sorry, like the plague. I’d suggest something like, it’s quite regrettable that you might have felt slighted by the penalty for your insolence.”
“That’s pathetic, Pussycat,” Astrid informed me.
“It is what it is, Dickie,” I shot back. “Even though I would love to dismember the fuckers for rudely downplaying the size of my magnificent cock, I’m being a team player, which is killing me by the way. I’ve decided that by making them eat their words, I will be mostly satisfied.”
“Big of you,” she said.
“Yes. I agree. Also, Martha and Jane, I would like you to record the exposure of my colossal cock for future use on the internet to dissuade anyone who might have believed the dastardly gossip.”
“On it,” Martha assured me.
“Should we get a closeup?” Jane asked.
“Oh my Hell, no,” Astrid said.
I covertly gave the two old dingbats a thumbs up. A close-up of my magnificent manhood would be outstanding.
“Move,” Lizard said under his breath. “Now.”
I wasn’t sure what he saw or why he was so insistent, but I moved quickly into the shadows near an overflowing dumpster. Astrid, Jane and Martha beat me there.
