Samuel’s mouth hung open at the gobbledygook that had just spewed from Martha’s dumbass cakehole. I wasn’t sure if it was because of the nonsense that Martha had just spoken or the size of her rack. It was probably fifty-fifty.
“What in the actual fuck?” Jane shouted as she ambled over and walloped Martha in the head, sending her flying. She grabbed Samuel’s arm for balance and tried to explain. “Martha’s only got two brain cells and they ain’t connected, Sammy-boy,” she told him. “What she meant to say was that your mammy got arrested for twerkin’ at Target. No! Wait! She bought a spaceship and played the skin flute at Chuck E. Cheese.”
Samuel tilted his head and glanced over at me… who wasn’t me at all. “Mom?”
“Yes,” Satan said grandly, and bowed. “It is I, your mother. The one who expelled you from my vagina. How is life treating you, son? Are you out and about getting some poon tang? I know when I was your age, I was all about the poon tang.”
“OH MY GOD,” I yelled, trying to save the disaster unfolding in front of me. I wanted to walk over to Satan and knock his ass out. However, if I did that Samuel would defend fake-me by attackingreal-me… Motherfucker. I chose to use my words. I had no clue what would come out of my mouth, but that didn’t stop me. “Astrid is… umm… in costume… for a new play that I’m producing in Hell called… Vampyre Housewives,” I told my son, lying through my teeth and hoping he bought it. “She’s in character right now. Method acting. The lipstick on her face represents the blood, sweat and tears that she’s poured into her family. And the haircut symbolizes… ahhh… the cut off from society feeling that a housewife can have due to… house-wiving. I have forbidden her to break character since she wants to win an Oscar.”
“Don’t you win a Tony for a play?” Samuel asked.
“YES! A Tony,” I amended, hoping Uncle Fucker kept his mouth shut. I was doing enough damage without his help. “She might look like your mother, but she is not your mother at all.”
“This is true!” Satan insisted. “I’ve decided since I’m such a pussy that I needed a career. Satan, bless his black soul, has given me reason to go on. He’s an amazing Demon with an enormous cock.”
“I’m sorry, what?” Samuel asked, sure that I had not just said that my uncle’s junk was huge. Of course, I hadn’t. He had. But that wasn’t allowed to be shared or we’d be in this messed up predicament forever.
I closed my eyes. If I couldn’t see what was happening maybe it wasn’t happening. I peeked. Nope. It was happening. “NO!” I bellowed. “Astrid’s simply practicing her lines from the play.She’s never seen my wank and never wants to. Ever. Never. Ever. No Devil wank viewing for Astrid. She’d have to bleach her eyes and that would suck… for her.” I slapped my hand over my mouth since it seemed to have a mind of its own.
Samuel nodded slowly in disbelief. “Okay, good to know. Maybe I should come back another time.”
“YES,” Satan and I shouted in unison.
“Or,” Connie Raven Enid Delacroix said. “You could just forget the shenanigans from this entire lovely afternoon.”
Samuel looked over at the witch in surprise. “You’re human.”
“Somewhat,” she agreed with a smile that showed her dimples. “I’m a witch. It’s lovely to meet you, Samuel. Your great-grandmother brags on you all the time!”
“You know Gigi?” he asked, unsure of this strange woman.
He could join the club.
“I do! We’re the best of friends,” she pulled out a wand as she walked over to my son and hugged him.
Small bursts of sparkly green magic surrounded both of them as they embraced. I was close to screaming. What in the Hell was she doing to my son? His body stiffened, then he went lax in her arms for a brief moment. Samuel quickly came out of the trance, but I was sure I’d just lost a few centuries off my life. With a glance around the room, he smiled like it was a normal day and nothing was amiss. He patted the witch on the head then turned to the rest of us. “This has been awesome, mom. We’ll do it again soon,” he said to Satan, walking over and giving him a hug. “I should get going, but I’ll be in touch!”
In a blast of shimmering magic that encompassed every color of the rainbow, my child left the building.
I turned on Connie Raven Enid Delacroix and narrowed my eyes. “Speak,” I ground out.
She winked at me. “It was just a little spell to make him forget the reality of the past half hour and make him believe he had a terrific time.”
Satan’s gaze shot to mine. He was correct to think she was shady. How could a freaking human witch do that to one of the most powerful Immortals in the Universe? And if she could cast a spell on Samuel, that meant that none of us were safe.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Back to the matter at hand. We needed to call Ethan and then transport to London. We’d take Martha, Jane and Lizard. I needed Lizard just in case I had to pee. I was taking no risks with anything having to do with the wank. Lizard could manhandle Uncle Fucker’s junk. Connie Raven Enid Delacroix would not be joining us on the working vacation. She was a fucking menace. When I announced the London contingency, Connie simply smiled and nodded. Part of me was surprised that she didn’t put up a fuss about being dismissed, but the majority of me was relieved. One thing down, so many more to go.
I dialed. Ethan answered. Satan started talking. I held my breath and prepared to light him on fire.
“Hello, Ethan. It is I, Astrid,” Satan announced.
“Astrid?” Ethan asked through the line. “Are you okay? You sound strange.”
I gave Uncle Fucker the death glare and pointed at the script. He flipped me off. I grabbed the scissors ready to cut out another chunk of his hair.
“I’m fine,” Satan read from the paper with a shitty attitude. “I’ve had something weird come up. Uncle Fucker is all butthurt about Elle and Luke going to Siren Island without him.”
