6
ASTRID
“I can’t readthis inane drivel to Ethan,” Satan snapped, looking at the script I’d written with a disgusted expression marringmyface. “This is ridiculous. Utter bullshit.”
“What’s ridiculous about it?” I demanded. “It’s exactly what I’d say.”
We’d collectively decided that telling Ethan not to come home for a week would throw up too many red flags. He would know something was off and transport back immediately. Seeing me,who wasn’t me, with half my hair gone, red lipstick all over my face and wearing a housedress and Crocs wouldn’t end well. He’d have a go at Satan,who was me, and that would be very, very bad.
There was way too much on the line to have anything go sideways. Keeping Ethan out of the picture was paramount. He was wicked smart and there was the potential he would figure it out. I wasn’t sure if that would set off the permanence of the body switch, but I wasn’t taking any chances.
We all argued back and forth for over an hour about what to do. Martha and Jane had suggested us joining them in stalking Simon Cowell. We declined. Lizard had proposed a baseball game in Chicago with Mr. Rogers, Wipe and the other idiots.That was a no as well. Although, I was curious about the ball embedded in Wipe’s pit. Surprisingly, it was Connie who came up with the plan.
A working vacation of sorts in London, England. She’d said that maybe a fresh landscape would help us with our conundrum. I’d replace the word conundrum withfucked up beyond repair shitshow, completely blowing mycleaning up my poopy languageresolution. The problem was that the fucking conundrum wasn’t helping me with my goal. Whatever. Getting away from the Cressida House while wearing an Uncle Fucker skin suit worked for me. There was less of a chance of being outed if neither of us were on our home turf. I’d just been in London recently with Ethan and had loved it. Unsettlingly so, Satan jumped right onto the London location with glee. I wasn’t sure why, and honestly, I didn’t want to know. If he was happy, he’d be less of a dick, and that made me happy.
I knew that Ethan wouldn’t buy the vacation scenario completely. Me taking off on a pleasure trip with my uncle was suspicious, so I massaged the script into something that would be more believable.
I looked over the notes I’d made, satisfied they would work, then handed the paper to Satan. “This will work.” I assured him. You just have to say it.”
“I will not,” he insisted. “It’s all lies. I don’t lie.”
The silence lasted twenty seconds then raucous laughter filled the foyer. Even the Devil had the wherewithal to chuckle. Uncle Fucker lied for a living. Saying he didn’t lie was a freaking lie. That excuse would not work for him.
“Listen to how I would say it,” I instructed. Clearing my throat, I began. “Hi Ethan, I’ve had something weird come up. Uncle Fucker is all butthurt about Elle and Luke going to Siren Island without him. He’s going to ask why you didn’t go. You’ll answer—He’s been banned for being a dick. I think a littletrip might cheer him up. Then he’ll ask why I have to go with you. You’ll say—He doesn’t have any friends since he’s such a freaking jackass. We had such a fun time in London, I think it would be nice for him. Plus, I don’t want him playing dead in public places.Ethan might be a little confused, but I’m ninety-nine percent sure he'll go for it.”
“My ass is puckered so hard right now,” Satan ground out.
“Why?” I asked with a raised brow. “Does the truth hurt?”
“Your truth is bullshit, and you’re an imbecile,” he announced. “However, being stuck in your body for eternity is not my idea of fun. I shall speak your absurd words. Although, I may add a few embellishments here and there.”
I squinted at him. “Embellishments?”
“I’m excellent at improv. I shall make it better,” he shared.
I doubted that, but I’d be right next to him the entire time. If he went too far off script, I’d light him on fire. The thought of singeing off the rest of my hair that was on his head was painful. But I concurred that being stuck in each other’s bodies wasn’t going to cut it long term.
Pulling out my cell phone, I prepared to dial. The front door swung open and a stunningly beautiful person walked inside, halting our plan in its tracks.
My heart pumped hard in my chest. A wild sensation since I hadn’t felt a heart beat in my chest since becoming a Vampyre. But watching my son Samuel walk into the Cressida House with a wide smile on his handsome face made me astoundingly happy. I’d completely forgotten that he was coming over. Massive disasters can do that to a person. The excitement of seeing my son had obviously shorted out my brain cells and made me forget a fewveryimportant details.
“Samuel,” I cried out, sprinting across the room, hugging him and planting kisses all over his face. “I’ve missed you so much!”
His smile dropped and his expression immediately turned to confusion. “Umm… okay,” he croaked out with a wince, extricating himself from my embrace. “Uncle Satan… it’s umm… nice to see you too.”
Fuck.
“Right,” I yelled, backing away quickly. How stupid could I be?
Apparently, very, very stupid.
“Mom?” Samuel questioned, staring at Uncle Fucker with concern. “What happened to you? Are you alright?
Truth be told, I looked really bad.
But it got worse… before Satan could answer for me, Martha and Jane jumped in. I thanked my lucky stars Mother Nature had put the spell on them. They sucked at keeping secrets.
“Sammy boy,” Martha yelled skipping over to him and almost knocking herself out with her gargantuan left boob. “Your momma’s hoardin’ skunks in the teapot! NO, I mean, she’s loadin’ squirt guns with lube and dancin’ on tabletops at Applebees with Bigfoot.”
