“Until now,” Jennifer muttered under her breath.
“Give me the disgusting small one,” It demanded. “No one needs something like that. It’s repulsive.”
“Shitty Ritchie is not repulsive,” the little guy shouted, stomping his foot.
“Wrong,” the Higher Power shot back. “Richard Smith is the most pathetic, revolting, repugnant, vile, loathsome, abhorrent joke of an Immortal who has ever been created.”
“Don’t fall for it,” I warned Shitty Ritchie, still looking for an opening. “It’s trying to piss you off so you go at It. It will then say it killed you in self-defense.”
“Sticks and stones might break your fuckin’ bones, but words will never hurt anything but your feelings,” Candy said in warning to Shitty Ritchie. She could see, as well as the rest of us, that the little dude was about to blow. “You can survive hurt feelings.”
“You will apologize to Shitty Ritchie,” he yelled. His eyes were wild, and he was beginning to resemble a feral animal who might or might not have been infected with rabies.
The future was not looking good.
“I will apologize over my dead body,” It bellowed.
Shitty Ritchie laughed. He laughed so hard that I thought he was having a psychotic break. The sounds he made were unhinged.
“Fine,” Shitty Ritchie snapped after pulling his shit back together. “Have it your way.”
It happened so fast I wasn’t even sure that I’d seen it. With a shriek that sounded like a herd of dying animals, Shitty Ritchie lunged at the Higher Power. The Higher Power was delighted with the turn of events. It was going to get exactly what It came for. The Trinity would be forever broken with the demise of Shitty Ritchie.
But according to the poet, Robert Burns,the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.The Higher Power’s plans had just backfired. Before any of us could dive in and save Shitty Ritchie from his own fury, he opened his mouth wide. Wider than I’d ever seen a mouth open. So wide, I thought his jaw had come unhinged. It was open so wide I couldn’t make out the rest of his tiny body. It was all mouth and razor-sharp teeth.
A shrill scream left Shitty Ritchie’s enormous mouth as grabbed the ethereal-looking Higher Power and ate It whole.
To say I was shocked was an understatement. The pure physics of what Shitty Ritchie did made no sense, but I’d seen it with my own eyes.
My gaze shot to Gideon’s. He was as blown away as I was, maybe more. Candy Vargo swallowed her toothpick and coughed it back up.
“What the actual FUCK?” Candy choked out.
Shitty Ritchie was back. He was no longer just a huge freaking mouth. “Shitty Ritchie ate the Higher Power! I am the WINNER!”
“Welp,” Jennifer said, shaking her head and wincing. “That’s one way to get it done.”
No one else knew what to say. There really wasn’t a lot to add.
“Are we done?” I finally asked. “Is it over?”
“Hell, if I know,” Gideon said, obviously not quite able to grasp what we’d just witnessed. I felt the same. Somewhere in this mess, there was a cannibal joke, but I wasnotgoing to go there.
Just when we thought it couldn’t get much worse, somehow it did. The Universe was a bitch. Another being arrived in a blast of dull rainbow glitter. The magic was similar in color to the Higher Power’s and the Trinity’s, but it lacked something. We all took a wary step back as another androgynous person crashed our party. It wasn’t the Higher Power, but I wasn’t sure what it was.
“Wonderful!” the thing bellowed. “I am finally free! Killing the wicked bitch is the greatest gift you could give me! Thank you so very much.” The being bowed in thanks, then looked around in dismay and disgust at the surroundings.
“Who are you?” Alana Catherine asked. “And why are you here?”
“Oh my,” the being said with a laugh that sounded like tinkling bells. “I’m the other half.”
“Of what?” Shitty Ritchie asked, eyeing the creature with distrust.
“The other half of the Higher Power, sillies! There were always meant to be two.” The smile on the being turned into a vicious frown. “That bitch caged me millions of years ago, but now that Its gone I’m free to rule the Universe.”
I was sure that a true Higher Power couldn’t be caged…
“Not so fast,” Candy Vargo said, squinting at the person. “Can you prove what you say?”
