The Universe was blessing us on this fine day… until it decided it was done.
The blast of magic was unexpected. The walls and the roof of the house fell and the wedding decorations were singed to ash. The furniture went up in smoke—all of it. We were now standing on the cement foundation of the house.
It was bad. However, the arrival of the uninvited Tom Hanks was horrifying.
With a flick of his hand, most of our guests vanished. I spotted them hanging in the trees about a football field away. Shit was hitting the fan fast.
The only people left were the Trinity, Gideon, Candy Vargo and me. Our odds of taking Tom Hanks down had just gotten slimmer.
“My invitation must have gotten lost in the mail,” Tom Hanks said silkily. “Tsk, tsk, I didn’t realize how rude you people were.”
It looked like Tom Hanks. It sounded like Tom Hanks. It definitely wasn’t Tom Hanks.
“Why are you here, fucker?” Candy Vargo demanded. She was glowing so bright I had to look away.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” It snarled. “You know exactly why I’m here. I’ve come to murder the competition… with an emphasis on the murder part.”
Tom Hanks threw his head back and laughed. No one joined him.
Alana Catherine stepped forward. I almost wet myself. Gideon moved to step in front of her, but she held up her hand. He stopped and watched warily. He had gone full Demon. His downy black wings had burst from his back, and his eyes sparked blood-red. He was almost as scary as Tom Hanks… almost.
My fight-or-flight response reacted as well. My fingertips spit flames, and my eyes burned gold. I was ready to fight.
“What do you really look like?” Alana Catherine inquired. “Show me your true self.”
Tom Hanks hissed at her. “I take orders from no one. I am the Higher Power. The true Higher Power.”
Jennifer chuckled. Again, I almost wet myself. Why wasn’t the Trinity terrified? Did they have no sense of self-preservation?
“Welp,” Jennifer said. “I’m guessin’ that means you’re butt ugly. I’m thinkin’ you might be so ugly that your face would make a freight train take a dirt road.”
Tom Hanks wasn’t sure what to do. Hell, I wasn’t sure what to do. If I took my shot and failed, we were all probably dead. If there was a shot to be taken, it had to be sure. Timing was everything. The time wasn’t quite right yet.
Shitty Ritchie, never one to be left out, joined the ugly game. “If I had a dog as ugly as you, I’d shave his ass and make him walk backward.”
Candy Vargo laughed. Tom Hanks did not.
Jennifer was on a roll. “I’m guessin’ that you must’ve fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.”
“GOOD ONE!” Shitty Ritchie squealed. “And I heard that you’re so ugly that you didn’t just get hit with the ugly stick, you got walloped with the whole fucking forest!”
Jennifer and Shitty Ritchie traded high fives. Alana Catherine just smiled and continued to stare at It. It was growing more furious with each passing insult.
“I am beautiful,” Tom Hanks shouted. “I am the most beautiful and powerful being in the Universe.”
Tom Hanks raised his Tom Hanks’ arms into the air and slashed them down to his sides. In a flash of multi-colored glittering lightning, he disappeared, and a being that was truly stunning took his place. It was unclear if the being was male or female. It had long, shiny golden locks and a face so symmetrically perfect it didn’t seem real. It was tall and lanky, but muscular at the same time. It wore an intricately woven cream silk robe. I didn’t see breasts or an Adam’s Apple. It was truly androgynous.
“Happy?” the Higher Power snarled. “Or maybe… jealous?”
“Neither,” Alana Catherine answered calmly. “There’s nothing to be jealous of.”
The Higher Power screamed in fury. The Universe appeared to scream with It. The sunny sky darkened to inky black and an icy wind picked up.
“Here’s how this is going to work,” It ground out. “I will take one of you. You shall choose. If you deny my request, all three of you will die.” It smiled. Its outer beauty belied a putrid interior.
“No,” Alana Catherine said. “Neither option is acceptable.”
“IT’S NOT AN OPTION,” It shrieked. “It’s a command. I will not be disobeyed.”
