God. I wish I was a better person and I wish that Jed didn’t want to get back with her. Except, I want her to be happy and that’s probably the right thing for her. So… yep, I don’t know what I want.
I think I just want to get off this flight and go home and return to normal life.
Neither of us really eats much breakfast. We’re scrupulously polite to each other, which is excruciating.
Then, just as we land, Flavia says, ‘I’ve been thinking, and there’s something I’d like to say. For your sake.’
‘Okay.’ I brace myself.
‘So. I think, for the future, your future, your happiness, there’s something you need to understand.No-oneis in a long-lasting, positive relationship until their big one, are they? Some people only have one relationship ever, others have lots. But for all the people who have a lot of short-term relationships until they meet the person they’re going to settle down with, be it forever or just for a few years, they aren’t in a long-lasting, positive relationshipuntilthat point. I mean, I’m separated, and I might soon be divorced. But I don’t view myself as someone whocan’tdo forever relationships. I view myself as someone who totallycando forever relationships, even though I haven’t necessarily yet met my forever person.’
She pauses for breath, while I just sit and stare at her, and then she continues, ‘Also, for the record, while I do view myself as someone who can one day do a forever relationship, I am not someone who would want to be in a relationship with an immature dickhead who is going to hurt me.’
‘Would I be that immature dickhead?’ I enquire.
‘Maybe, maybe not,’ she says airily.
The pilot tells us that we should be disembarking in about five minutes.
I feel like I have five minutes left to salvage… something.
Unfortunately, I really can’t work out what I should be thinking or saying, so we sit in silence, Flavia staring out of the window, apparently finding tarmac fascinating, me staring blankly at my phone on my lap.
Once we’re off the plane, we walk through the terminal to passport control and then baggage control with Judith and Mike. They both have a lot to say, fortunately, because neither Flavia nor I are producing a lot of conversation.
I lift Flavia’s suitcase off the carousel for her. I now know why it’s so remarkably heavy – the simple answer is that she took alotof stuff.
As soon as we’re through the ‘nothing to declare’ exit, Flavia says, ‘I need to pop to the ladies so I’ll say goodbye to you all here. Happy New Year again, and thank you for being wonderful holiday companions.’
‘Likewise,’ I say.
Judith and Flavia share a long hug, Mike kisses Flavia’s cheek, and then Flavia and I kind of hover for a second, before I lean in for a distant double air kiss.
And then Flavia wheels her case round and walks off.
I suddenly really, really want to call after her that I love her, but am inhibited by Judith and Mike, so I excuse myself, and run after Flavia.
‘I love you,’ I say.
She looks up at me, raises one eyebrow, says, ‘Likewise, but goodbye,’ and then walks away from me again.
Her case falls over and her handbag falls open and strews stuff over the floor as she’s picking the case up. I move forward to help her but am halted by her giving me a death stare.
She doesn’t say goodbye this time when, belongings all gathered up, she begins to wheel her case forwards again.
‘I love you,’ I mouth at her back. I think that’s the last time I’ll ever say that.
17
FLAVIA
This is not good. It’s four days since myawfulparting from Dominic at the airport. I’ve just got home from my first day back at school after the holidays, and in the past five minutes have received two very unwelcome suggestions. Firstly, I’ve had a message from Jed saying he’s in London right now for business and can I meet him for dinner. And secondly, Mum is on the phone to me and is saying that she wants me to go home for the weekend so that Dominic and I can, together, tell his family and mine all about the safari.
At the moment, I’m sitting at my kitchen table trying to get through some work admin that Ishouldideally have got done during the holidays; I’ve been very unproductive over the past few days, too miserable about Dominic and confused about Jed to focus properly on work.
‘Of course,’ I say weakly. I was pleased to see Mum’s name flash up on my screen when she called me, and I always love hearing her voice, but this is not a welcome suggestion.
I mean, honestly. What are Zoom calls for? Has no-one learnt anything positive at all from lockdown? An impersonal Zoom would beperfectin this situation. Mum, me, Dominic’s parents and him, all in our own homes. A quick chat, a quick montage of photos and short videos, a few anecdotes. Then all done, and no need for anyone to physically see anyone else.
