I can’t suggest a Zoom, though, because Mum will want to see me in person anyway. And to be fair I obviously want to see her properly. We’re very close and not being able to see her very often was a huge downside of living abroad for all those years. I love being able to see her every couple of weeks now – either she pops to London or I pop to see her – especially given her widowhood.
I do not, however, want to see Dominic in person. Obviously.
And then Jed. After I got home on the second, I texted him back, wished him a happy new year and said that his message had been a big surprise and that I needed to take my time to think about what he’d said. And then I just left it because I didn’t feel in the right frame of mind for making decisions like that.
Do I want to have dinner with him? No, I don’t. Not because I definitely don’t want to see him, but because I don’t want to see himnow. I feel like I have wounds to lick after my South Africa trip.
I’m also very confused.
How do I even feel about Dominic? I mean, what an idiot. I do love him, of course I do. I felt like it was love all those years ago, and that if we hadn’t lived in different countries we could have been amazing together. And when he came to see me before I went to Kazakhstan it was the same. And then this week I felt as though I really got to know him. And that I do love him. So very much. Like… youcanfall in forever love basically at first sight.
But love wasn’t enough to transcend us living on different continents when we were young – neither of us volunteered to make any kind of attempt at a relationship then – and now it isn’t enough, apparently, to transcend Dominic being a complete dickhead. Weird to be so deeply and irrevocably in love with him, knowing that he’s an absolute idiot.
It’s irrelevant, though, actually, how I feel about him. There is no possibility of us being together – he demonstrated that very fully on the plane – so really the questions I should be asking myself are: can I ever have a happy relationship with another man while I feel like this about Dominic; and, if the answer to that is yes, can I be happy with Jed after what’s happened in the past few months?
I think I’ve been in love with Dominic from the moment we met as adults at my dad’s birthday party all those years ago. And Iwasnonetheless happy with Jed. Happy enough, anyway. I’d have stayed with him if the kids thing and the lies hadn’t happened.
So I suppose the question is can I overlook all of that?
I don’t know.
I want kids, though. And maybe Jed is my only chance to try without going down the sperm-donor route.
I make a snap decision. I’m going to have dinner with him. It can’t hurt. Either I’ll realise that, yes, getting back with him is the best life decision for me right now, or I’ll get final closure on a relationship that has obviously been a very life-shaping experience.
* * *
Gaaah. Jed and I agreed to have dinner on Thursday evening, and that is now, and I don’t want to go. In hindsight, it was a stupid evening to agree to. There were some leaving drinks today, for the school’s last deputy head, who retired at the end of last term and decided to do cheer-us-all-up drinks in early January rather than squish the drinks between Christmas events, and I wouldfarrather have stayed longer at the pub with my colleagues, several of whom have already become close friends of mine, and talked about their holidays and not thought about mine at all, or actually just collapsed on my sofa in front of the TV before having an early night.
But no. Because I’m stupid, I did agree to dinner, so I left the drinks early and am now on my usual work-to-home train route, but going straight to the restaurant to meet Jed.
As we draw into the station, a little voice asks me whether I would rather see Jed or Dominic this evening.
That would depend, I tell the annoying little voice, on whether Dominic had had a personality transplant into a mature adult who could deal with being in an adult relationship. Like… if Dominic had actual interest in a relationship with me… thenyesI’d want to see him. Because he makes metingle. With happiness, with enjoyment, with fun, with wanting to have sex with him… All those things. And Jed… not so much any more. I suddenly wonder whether maybe my feelings for Dominicarejust a rebound thing and maybe after a few years things with him would become stale like they did with Jed. Hard to imagine, and of course I’ll never find out.
Dominic does not want a relationship with me, so this is all academic and I need to stop staring into the distance and walk fast to the restaurant so that I’m nottoolate.
* * *
Ten minutes later, I walk into the fancy modern Britisheatery(his word) Jed has chosen, feeling… weird. This is the first time he and I are seeing each other since I left Australia and our marriage. I’m kind of looking forward to catching up with him, because when you’ve known someone very well for a long time you can’t just switch off all your feelings. And I’m also not looking forward to seeing him at all.
He’s kindly come to my neighbourhood for dinner, although only after I told him several times that I really didn’t want to go into town on a school night during the first week of term. He’s already arrived (punctuality is something he has in common with Dominic) and stands to greet me as I walk towards him.
He’s handsome. He really is. And I notice other diners noticing that. He isn’t really makingmyheart beat faster, though. Possibly because I am not long back from spending several days up and close with Dominic, who looks similar but – to my eyes – basically better. Dominic is maybe slightly less classically handsome, but he is way more, well, sexy is I suppose the word I’m looking for. If I’m being honest, I basically find Jed less attractive than Dominic. Despite the fact that this is the first time I’ve seen him for several months, my heart is resolutely continuing along in a leisurely fashion with no speeding up whatsoever.
But so what? How many relationships include fast heart-beating forever? I mean it’syearssince we first got together.
He gives me a hug, which is… nice. I mean, yes, definitely nice. Apart from anything else, he’s warm, and it’s cold out there.
When we come out of the hug, he holds me at arm’s length for a moment and definitely considers kissing me on the lips until I break whatever moment he imagined we were having by moving backwards a little and saying, ‘So how are you?’
He releases me and says, ‘Yeah, good.Verygood now that I’m with you.’ So smarmy. Why didn’t I find the smarminess annoying before?
I find myself struggling to smile in response, and instead make a little performance of taking my coat off and sitting down.
‘So tell me everything,’ he says.
‘I’m sorry?’ I cough slightly, thinking about being naked with Dominic.
