“I killed Lauren.” My voice breaks on the words as I turn to Bella.
“And? Darlia, I love you but being depressed isn’t going to bring her back. And despite my attempt at letting you grieve, at some point I have to draw a line. You stink, you need to change, god only knows what’s going on with your hair, and I miss my badass best friend who would shoot shit with me, not this…mope.”
Something stirs within me, probably because Bella’s right, not that I would ever admit it. I know Lauren isn’t coming back, very well aware of that fact. It’s not the fact that Lauren is dead that upsets me, I had already assumed she was.
It’s the fact I was the one to kill her.
And they said it was all a part of my ‘re-education’ like it wasn’t psychological warfare.
“Read me another entry, something recent,” I plead. Bella takes the journal from the bedside table before beginning to read.
Darlia saved my life again today.
She has a habit of saving me, I’m sure to her I’m just a burden, some fragile thing that needs to break and bend to The Academy. But I just can’t.
Not when I don’t agree with it.
Something has never felt right about The Academy. If we were truly helping the citizens and truly protecting the Zones, why are we locked away and hidden? Why don’t we patrol the Zones, stopping real crime instead of only killing select people?
Our new target, 106, is different. I almost find myself liking him. He’s challenging Darlia in ways she never has before, and part of me hopes she’ll see The Academy as I do, before I run out of time here. Cayden, I think she said his name was.
He caused her to have a panic attack, which is more emotion than I have ever seen from Darlia. In the twelve years I have known her, I’ve barely seen her shed more than a single tear, and this man made her have an entire panic attack.
Honestly, it’s quite funny. I do hope she doesn’t realise I found humour in the moment. I’m not sure Darlia would be too happy with me. And as much as she tries to delay my death, it is inevitable. I’m a weak link and The Academy doesn’t do weak. I don’t know how much time I have left here.
I just hope when I do die, Darlia doesn’t blame herself. I hope she knows she is the sole reason I survived as long as I did. And if by some miracle Darlia, you find this journal. Just know I love you like the sister I never got to have.
Tears are freely falling down my face as I read the words. Lauren, you sweet soul. I wish you could see how right you were; how Cayden changed everything, how you changed everything. If I had known that day before I was assigned with Bella, I would’ve hugged her, consequences be damned. I would’ve told her I love her. I would’ve done so many things differently.
I would’ve treated her differently.
“Well, the words are there in black and white. Lauren doesn’t want you to mope.”
“She wrote that before I killed her,” I argue, knowing there’s no point. Lauren would’ve known they would do something that brutal, which is exactly why she would have written that final note to me in her journal. So I decide to write one back to her.
“Bella, can you find me a pen?”
She doesn’t hesitate to leave the room, returning just as quickly with a pen before walking out again, knowing I need this moment for just me. I open Lauren’s journal to the next blank page and start writing immediately.
Lauren,
If by some miracle you can see this, there are so many things I want you to know. One, I could say this a million times, even hearing your voice nagging me saying ‘it’s fine’, but I am so sorry for what I did to you.
But if I loved anyone, it was you and Bella. I have never had a sister, but you were the closest thing I’ll ever get to one, and for that, I will forever miss you and our stupid arguments that now seem so small. I still remember the times we would braid each other’s hair in the beginning because neither of us could get the top part perfect.
I remember your laugh, the sound that would make everyone smile despite themselves. Before feeling anything was banned, back before things got messy, complicated and I changed. I wish I never did. I wish I was still the girl that braided your hair and whispered secrets past curfew.
But I’ll get them out. I’m not sure how yet, but I promise I’ll get everyone else out of The Academy. I will make sure no one else ever has to lose the spark you had before it all.
I love you, even if I don’t know what the words mean. If I love anyone, it’s you.
Please forgive me,
D xx
Closing the journal, I let the tears fall down my face as I place it on the bedside table. Part of me still wants to sit in this bed and lay around, but I know Lauren wouldn’t want that. So one foot after the other, I force myself to the bathroom and turn on the shower.
As the warm water hits my skin, it almost burns at first. I let myself stop caring for a few days and have the oil build up on my skin to prove it. But I grab the bar of soap, lather it in my hands, and scrub my body clean.
