Watching the boys mess around is like watching the life I could’ve had, the friendships I could’ve made if I wasn’t taken to The Academy. It makes my chest ache with a loneliness I haven’t felt before.
“Oh, by the way. Cayden said there’s something in the room for you to keep you entertained.” Luke looks down at where I’m sitting on the floor, and I turn to Bella who’s running towards the room before me.
“Hey! It’s mine, whatever it is!”
“Nope, you’re mad at him, remember! You can’t accept gifts if you're mad!” she yells, running down the hallway as I struggle to keep up. I’m still recovering, and while I can walk okay, any fast movements are still a struggle.
Marcus is by my side instantly, one arm around my waist while the other grabs my arm.
Ever since Cayden told him to keep an eye on me when he’s gone, Marcus has almost become my shadow.
“I’m fine,” I huff, knowing I’m not.
“Lean on me,” Marcus says, ignoring me and pulling my arm around his neck while keeping his hand around my waist, steadying me. Every step to the room is excruciating. Despite the week of rest, most of my body still feels more broken than ever.
I watch as Bella continues to run to the room, not caring that I’m dying slowly as she slams the door closed, probably opening my present.
“Bella, don’t you dare!”
“Aww, he wrote a note!” I give up on limping and run the last few steps to the bedroom, almost falling over my shaky legs as I crash into the doorframe. By the time I make it into the room, I feel like I’m about to collapse and Bella immediately drops whatever it is to help me.
“I’m fine.”
“You’re stubborn, there’s a difference.” Working together, Bella leads us towards the bed, helping me to sit down before grabbing the pain medication Cayden left behind for me.
“Thanks,” I manage, taking the pills before grabbing the paper from the bed.
You’re cute when you’re mad, but I thought you would want this back. No one else has read it, I promise, the others don’t even know I saved this for you. Who you choose to share this with is up to you. I hope it makes you smile.
Yours always, Cayden.
The wrapped package lies on the bed on top of Cayden’s pillow, neatly wrapped in brown paper and a ribbon. Taking my time, carefully opening the package and leaving the paper on the bed, I almost drop it when shock runs through me.
Lauren’s diary.
Cayden went back to The Academy to get Lauren’s diary for me.
“Oh shit,” Bella whispers, sitting down beside me. But I can’t move, I’m frozen. Lauren’s diary. Lauren.
“I killed her,” I whisper, my voice breaking at the memory. I haven’t told anyone what happened, I haven’t been ready. I’m still not ready, but holding her diary, her memories, it’s too much. All too much.
I spent the last week avoiding this, running from the guilt that has seeped through every part of me. I didn’t want to face it.
“I know. But you didn’t have a choice.”
“How do you know that?” I’m barely holding back the tears threatening to escape, my hands trembling as they hold the journal. I am a monster, I killed Lauren.
Bella pulls my head down to her shoulder while rubbing her hand up and down my back, trying to comfort me.
“Because I know you, and I know you would’ve given your life for her.”
I break.
The tears start flowing freely down my cheeks as I sob into Bella’s shoulder, my body trembles with every gasp of breath I manage to get in, only to release another fresh round of tears.
“I killed her, I killed Lauren,” are the only words I manage to get out. I haven’t allowed myself to process this. There’s so much that needs to be done, and I just haven’t had the time.
“I know, you’re okay.” I want to scream I’m not okay. I haven’t been in a very long time. But I don’t.
