Cayden goes silent, the words hanging heavy in the air. He knows about the chair, I know he does since he sent Marcus in to save me, but I don’t know how much he knows. Does he know I was electrocuted? Waterboarded? Does he know how long I was there for? I don’t. I can assume for a day, but how am I supposed to know? They drugged me, how long did the drug last? Did they administer it once? Twice? Did they intend to let me die from hypothermia?
“They were testing me. The library was a test to see if I would disobey orders. Then again today with my dress, they were testing me. They let me choose what dress I wanted to wear, and I chose the one least liked by The Academy. They know I’m starting to question them. I don’t think I’ll survive much longer unless I go back to who they want me to be. I felt it, when I hurt Clover. I felt the coldness rush back. I didn’t care that I hurt someone, I didn’t care that she was human or just a girl. I only cared about myself, about hurting someone so I could survive.”
“You are more than that, love. So much more than that, we both know it.”
“Do we?” My eyes meet his for the first time, and I let the uncertainty show. How can he be so certain in who I am when I don’t even know for myself? I don’t even look in the mirror anymore, because even I don’t recognise the girl staring back at me.
I wonder if I used to have dreams, goals? Who did I want to be before this life was forced on me? I probably said something stupid like I wanted to be a princess or a fairy. Something expected of a four-year-old.
The same four-year-old who was thrown into a brutal training academy that made me into a killer.
I don’t think she would be very proud of me, but I kept us alive.
“How did you manage to convince The Academy to agree to your dinner?” I ask, trying to shift the conversation. It’s nothing like their usual missions. To have an invitation means we lose the element of surprise, and that’s exactly what we are trained on.
“I didn’t, they just agreed. I said I had information I would only tell you.”
“You realise if I go back empty handed, they will kill me, right?”
“I thought we established, I wouldn’t let that happen.”
The flush on my cheeks that was finally disappearing comes rushing back. I feel my heart race slightly, a range of emotions I have never felt before meeting Cayden flowing through me. He knows exactly what he’s doing to me, and he’s doing it anyway.
“They know about Marcus. They don’t know his name or have any idea of his appearance, apart from his hair colour, but they know you’re not working alone. I said I didn’t know anything, but you should probably be more careful. They’re watching you as much as they’re watching me. I think they also know about your other friend, the blond one, but they don’t have any details.”
Cayden nods, a sigh escaping his lips as he runs a hand through his curls. “Yeah, I know, love. I know. But thank you for not saying anything, you’ve saved his life. And thank you for telling me, trusting me.”
“It was for Lauren’s diary,” I admit. Now we’re even, now I don’t have to hide anything else if it means my survival. But I want to, which only confuses me more. I know keeping things to myself could kill me, but for some reason, I can’t force myself to betray Cayden like that. He could tell me his secrets and for some reason beyond me, I would keep them. Or at least I would try to.
“I know.” He smiles, his hand squeezing mine gently. “Have you had time to read some of it?” I nod, suddenly finding the concrete very interesting.
“Yeah, I have. I made her feel like she had to impress me, that she had to kill. It’s a guilt that I don’t know how to manage.” The honesty slips past my lips before I can stop it. Like it always seems to happen with Cayden.
Just an hour ago, I walked in here guarded and in control. Now, not only am I spilling my secrets to someone I’ll eventually have to kill, but I kissed him. I kissed the man betraying The Academy. The people I’m supposed to trust, the people who have kept me alive.
“Cayden, I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“I know, love. I know.”
“I’m tired.” My voice breaks, and I turn away, not wanting Cayden to see the tears in my eyes.
His smile doesn’t reach his eyes this time when I finally turn back to look at him. I see the one thing I’ve never seen before when someone looks at me. Pity.
In an instant, I’m a wall again. How could I have been dumb enough to ever think he wouldn’t pity me? To think he would just listen and not react? Of course he wouldn’t.
Cayden’s not like me, he hasn’t been taught to suppress every emotion.
“I’m here for dinner, right? Let’s go eat.”
Instead of arguing, Cayden stands, leaving my hand in his and leading me back inside. As we sit down the plates arrive. Another new dish I’ve never tried before, but I don’t question it, eating like I’m starved and goddamn it, the food is amazing.
“Slow down, darling. It’s not going anywhere,” Cayden says softly, and I feel myself slowing down on his command. I don’t understand all the feelings I have surrounding this man, it’s complicated.
How does this man make me feel inferior and superior at the same time? Like I’m trying to be mad at him, but then he manages to break down my walls again time after time. I hate it. It’s confusing.
Cayden is sat next to me, opposite to Marcus while Bella is opposite to me. Like always, Cayden is watching my every move, my every reaction. His eyes follow my fork to my lips watching as I eat, he looks…happy? I can never tell.
“If you don’t finish, that I will,” Bella says, staring down at my half-eaten plate. I pull it closer to me, giving her silent glare.
