“Tell me about Clover,” he says instead, his voice soft and gentle
“Clover wasn’t a good person.” Even I hear the defensiveness in my voice, starting to follow Cayden further into the garden as we walk up to the fountain. I sit down on the edge of the beautiful decoration, listening to the sound of the water spraying down onto the shallow pool of water below. It’s what I imagine a beach to sound like, the sound of running water as the waves crash against the water.
“She was human, darling. Forced into the same world as you, just playing with different cards. She was still just a girl, much like you.” He’s being careful, I can tell he’s more aware today. He knows I’m on edge, which means he is, too.
Cayden’s afraid I’m going to attack him. “I’m under orders not to kill you.”
“Will that really stop you, love?”
Immediately my gaze snaps to him, my eyes widen at the idea of killing just because I want to. I do what is necessary for my own survival, and sometimes, like with Cover, it’s satisfying. But every death, every life I’ve taken for The Academy, weighs down on me in ways I’ll never say aloud. For Cayden to insinuate otherwise is frankly insulting. Is that truly how he sees me? Just some mindless killer? Maybe I am. I enjoyed it for long enough, maybe that’s all I can be.
“I didn’t have a choice with Clover. I didn’t intend to kill her, I don’t even know if I did. But it was them or me, and I thought you liked our meetings too much to have someone like Clover or Tracey come as my replacement.”
I try my best to keep my tone casual, to find some humour like he does. But the insinuation is gnawing at me. I realise Cayden is afraid of me, of what I can do. He thinks I’m unpredictable.
“Do you really think so little of me? That I could just...kill you?”
“I think the world of you, but I think you’re in an impossible situation. And given all your training, you’re trained to kill, to fight. You could take out every single one of my guards without blinking, I don’t even think you would get tired. You’re beautiful and dangerous, Darlia, and I would be a fool not to be aware of that.”
“But do you really believe I could hurt you?” I’m honestly not even sure I could anymore. I cringe at the genuine hurt in my voice. I don’t get hurt, feelings are for the weak.
There’s a moment of silence. He looks at me, his eyes searching every detail of my face. I hope he doesn’t see how tired I am, how tired I am of living this life, of being this person. I just want to be human, not property.
“I think if it was between me and you, and your life was on the line, I would make you.”
A shiver runs down my spine. I would make you. He would make me kill him so I could live? I must’ve heard that wrong; he can’t possibly care about me that much.
Before I get to respond, Cayden’s lips are on mine; hungry, desperate, like he’s starving and I’m his salvation. His hand moves to the back of my head, pulling me in deeper, his other hand moving around my waist, drawing me in closer.
I’ve never been kissed.
Cayden is kissing me.
What should I do?
Every bone in my body is screaming at me to push him away, to slap him for taking something that doesn’t belong to him. But then my lips start to move with his, and my fingers twist through his hair, grasping onto the curls just as desperate as he is. I didn’t realise how deprived I was of human contact until now.
His lips are warm, and soft, and everything I’ve never had before. His lips are safe, they make me feel safe when I never have before. They ground me, bringing me back to him despite The Academy doing the most to pull me away.
What have I gotten myself into?
Chapter 18:
By the time we both pull away from the kiss, we’re both gasping, desperate for air as our lungs burn, begging to be filled. I’ve never been kissed before, did I do okay? Did he hate it? How will I know if he liked it? Should I ask?
Cayden sits down beside me, his hand finding mine and our fingers interlocking as we both share this moment of silence, both of us wondering what we just did. What happens now?
How is it in nineteen years I’ve killed at least a hundred people, but I’ve only been kissed once?
“Darlia, I—”
“I think The Academy is trying to kill me,” I say before Cayden can say something stupid. Great first kiss talk, Darlia. His mouth closes instantly, whatever words were about to escape getting caught in his throat with my confession.
“Either that, or they are trying to make me obedient again. Scare me into submission.”
“I won’t let anything happen to you.”
“Last time you said that, I ended up in the chair.”
