I also went back knowing I had been the one to break important relationships and I would need to do some major groveling. I could only hope Julian and Gwen would listen better thanIhad.
My grandma had been amazing in encouraging me in that regard. I was terrified to face the friends I had disappointed. I told her all about Julian and my feelings for him. I realized I had messed up and my grandma was determined to help me. There were several nights we sat together in her craft room, while she worked on this or that, and brainstormed ways to make it up to him. I hoped I wasn’ttoolate.
“I missed you, kiddo,” my dad said, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. He simultaneously pulled me into a sideways hug and out of my thoughts. I didn’t fight it. Instead, I turned and gave him a full-blown hug. I didn’t care we were in the middle of the airport. I didn’t care there were still a lot of things that needed to be said between us. I just let him hold me and took the comfort my dad was willingtogive.
“I missed you too,” I said, finallysteppingback.
“Let’s go get your bag and go home.” Hearing him refer to his house as my home still felt weird, but it was much truer this time than the last time we played out thisscene.
After driving back to the house and getting settled back in my room, I found my dad at his usual spot at the dining room table, typing away on hislaptop.
“Dad?”
He closed the screen of the computer and pushed it aside on the table, giving me his full attention. If nothing else, I appreciated the fact he didn’t try to talk to me with his eyes on a screen, only half paying attention to what I had to say. It was a good start. “What’s up, Katie?” he asked, looking at me as I sat downbesidehim.
“I know I just got back and things are weird, but I need to know. Why didn’t you try to stay in touch with me when I moved toFlorida?”
“Straight to the point. I suppose I deserve it.” He ran one hand over his face before answering. “Would you believe it was because it was toopainful?”
“No. That doesn’t even makesense.”
“I guess it wouldn’t.” He smiled sadly. “I was very much in love with your mother, Katie. She was the love ofmylife.”
“What?” My mom had never spoken of the reasons for my parents’ divorce. Whenever I would ask, she would change the subject and ask me to not bring it up again. I had always assumed it was because my parents fell out of love. This was newstome.
“I begged her to stay, but she wouldn’thaveit.”
“What?” I said again, apparently forgetting every other word in myvocabulary.
“Oh, don’t misunderstand,” he said quickly, the confusion must have been clear on my face. “It wasn’t her fault. I was a terrible husband. I couldn’t give her what she needed.” He stopped and looked away, obviously taking a moment to formulate his next words. “Katie, you look so much like her. Your eyes, your smile. Even now, I look at you and I see the ways I failed her. It hurts sodamnmuch.”
“So…you didn’t contact me because you realized how much you failed my mother?” I said slowly. Surely, he could see the faultylogic.
“I messed up, Katie. I really messed up. But then your grandma called and told me your mom died and it gutted me. I realized I had been an idiot. That my daughter, my flesh and blood was alone and barely out of high school. I wanted to make things uptoyou.”
“I don’t know what to say. I want to forgive you. I want to try again. But this just doesn’t makesense.”
“What would have made sense, then? What reason could I have possibly given you tojustifythis?”
I shrugged. “There isn’t one. I guess the little girl inside me still clung to the hope that there was some selfless reason. Like, maybe you were a secret agent and needed to keep me safe.” I snorted while shaking my head, too embarrassed to lookathim.
“Katie, I’m a software engineer who’s basically allergic to the outdoors. Espionage isn’t happeninganytimesoon.”
“I know. I love you, dad. I want to trust you. Just give me somemoretime?”
“I’m not going anywhere,” he said. The words stung, knowing I had said the exact same words to Julian before I left. “Take the time you need. Just know I love you, even if hasn’t always beenperfectly.”
His words were genuine and I could tell he took his role as father seriously. But I was being honest with him when I said I needed more time. I hated that. Especially knowing I would soon be on the other end. How could I seek the same forgiveness I was struggling so hardtogive?
“Thanks,” I said, standing up giving him a hug. “Now, I need to see about repairing some of the relationships Ibroke.”
“Just remember how you’re feeling right now, being the one who was betrayed. Don’t get upset if they need time,Katie.”
“I know,” I said before running to my room totextGwen.
Me: Beans andThings?
I typed the words and hit send, holding my breath. Text bubbles appeared almostimmediately.
