"Because what?"
"I don't know why you're making me come out and say this."
"Say what?"
"That you're too good for me. It's already embarrassing enough."
"What?" he asked, utterly confused. "You're the one saying I'm not good enough for you."
"How am I saying that?"
"Because you don't trust that I can deal with, whatever, your trauma."
"It's not about trusting you. It's just a matter of fact that my trauma exists. You're pristine, Ash, and you need someone different than me. I'm glad we had this talk because I see now that you could have misunderstood. But it's not about you. It's just about me. I have Kai's parents in my life. My own parents are in Colorado, and they're not really involved, so Kai's parents… " She trailed off with a sigh. "All of this is just too much for someone like you to mess with long-term. And I can't really do short-term anymore."
"See? You're saying it's me who can't give you something you need."
"No, I'm not. I don't mean to, at least. I don't know if I'm ever going to let myself get into anything significant with somebody again. So, the bottom line is that we're just not… It's not that I think I'm insufficient. But I'm definitely not saying you are. We're just in different places right now. It's all good, though. After what I've learned about God lately, I don't force anything."
She was speaking in a calm, cordial tone like none of this had her worried. But Ash was worried. He didn't want to settle for this. He wanted Audrey, and he was still confused as to why it couldn't happen.
"If you don't want me, just say it," he said. "It confuses me when you try to say that it's only because you can't trust me or that I'm too good for you. You don't get to say those things."
"Yes, I do, if it's the truth."
"It's not the truth, though. It's subjective. Those things are abstract. How do you know if you can trust me or not? You haven't even tried."
"You, uh, I'm sorry if you took it like I'm saying I can't trust you, or I need you to try to prove something to me. That's not it. I just can't trust myself. It's just the facts of my circumstance. You have a normal family situation, and I'll probably go to Kai's parents' house on New Year's. They buy fireworks."
"Okay," he said, not seeing what the big deal was."
She paused and then said. "Ash, just the fact that Kai did what he did should scare you."
"What? Why should it?" he asked, pulling back to look at her. "Did you do something to cause him to do that?"
"No. I mean… not… not directly. But when you've been through this, you can't help but blame yourself..." She paused and let out a sigh. "See? Even conversations like this are uncomfortable. We don't have to go into all the exact reasons why you deserve something different than me. We should be able to just call this what it is and not mess with each other's emotions."
"I'm not sure what that means. I'm not trying to mess with your emotions."
"Yeah, well, I might mess with yours."
She sighed, and he could tell it hurt her to say that and that she thought it was the truth.
"I won't let you," he said.
"I won't let me either," she said. "Plus, I have Lu to think about." She smiled regretfully and moved to wipe something in the kitchen.
She changed the subject and finished tidying up before they left the restaurant. They had been out for over an hour, and he knew she was ready to get back. Ash honestly didn't know what to say to reassure her. He only knew that he wasn't ready to give up.
They talked about food on the way back to Audrey's house.
He parked in front of a place that was two houses down from hers, on the same side of the street.
"Can I hang out with you guys tomorrow?" he asked when they came to a stop. Audrey glanced at him.
"Yeah, sure. Alex had mentioned it to you. But I thought you had to work."
"I do, but he was talking about doing some Christmas shopping later in the day. And maybe dinner."
