And with that, she stood, portrait in hand as she turned to leave his study, knowing that if she looked him in his eyes again, she would yearn to run into his arms.
It was not easier after that, to put herself together and leave. But she did what she could to wrap the pieces of her mind and heart as haphazardly as she could in order to do what was necessary. She had wanted to leave as early as possible, without giving Reuben any clues on what was happening, which was why she had said her goodbyes the night before.
But as the maids carried her luggage downstairs, she found herself wandering to his room, and when she was in front of his door, she reached out to open it.
He was still asleep, just like she expected him to be, his dark hair a mess of curls on his pillow as he breathed softly, his limbs strewn across his sheets carelessly. He looked so peaceful and pure, Jane could barely hold back the tears in her eyes.
“Good bye, Reuben. I pray that you grow up to be a happy and healthy child,” she whispered as she allowed herself another moment to stare at him.
Then she turned around and left his room quietly.
Downstairs, she found the rest of the household assembled in a straight line by the door and her heart fell even farther.
“We wanted to thank you properly, for all you have done, Your Grace,” Mrs Greene informed her, looking as though her entire world had caved in on itself. “You were a wonderful duchess, Your Grace. And we will not soon forget your kindness. We wish you well on your future endeavours.”
Jane nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat as she told them,
“Thank you. Thank you all, for making me feel at ease and for taking such good care of me. Every moment I spent here, I felt immensely blessed and fortunate, all because of you. Please, take care of yourselves. And help me care for the duke and the little lord. They will need your guidance sometimes, as I did, and I hoped that you will offer it.”
Mr Johnson bowed and replied, “We will, Your Grace.”
As though they had silently been prompted to do so, the other members of the household bowed as well and Jane inhaled shakily, lifting her head as she walked through the door and out of the house.
The carriage already had her things and all she needed to do was climb inside and leave. She wanted to turn back and give the estate one last look, but her resolve was fracturing and it was getting harder and harder to convince herself that this was all for the best.
So, she did the best thing for herself and accepted the assistance the footman into the carriage, closing her eyes when she settled inside and heard the door close.
After a moment, she told the coachman, “I'm ready.”
The reins snapped and the carriage began to move forward, leaving Jane to sob quietly within as she was taken away from her home, hoping that leaving her heart behind was a good decision.
Thomas stared down at the courtyard from the window in his study, willing Jane to look back.
If she did, even once, he might find the courage to ask her to stay. He knew he had no right to do so. He was aware that she had already given more than he deserved, but he wanted her. His body and mind craved to be close to her, yearned for her voice, her smile, her gaze to find his.
And he was willing to allow his greed to control him, just this once.
“Jane,” he whispered under his breath as she walked to the carriage, taking note of her rigid posture. “Jane, please. Just once. Turn around once. Please.”
But she did not. The footman helped her into the carriage and she was gone from his life forever.
Thomas watched the carriage roll off his property and out of sight, but still he stood there, unable to feel much more than the suffocating pain in his chest.
He had never known anything like this – this wanting, this despair.
His life had been bleak and dark for as long as he could remember, with nothing at all encouraging him to live like an actual human being. But she had come along and changed all that in so little time.
So... what was he to do without her now?
With a sigh, Thomas settled back in his chair, feeling weary and frustrated. His throat itched for the burn of a drink, but it was so early and he did not wish to render himself useless for the rest of the day. So, he sought to invest himself in his work instead.
The butler had brought his breakfast an hour later, but he ignored it, determined to make himself useful. But it was hard to focus, when his mind was more intent on showing him all that he had given up by letting Jane walk out of his life.
He missed the feel of her skin beneath his touch, the way she shuddered when she neared the edge of her pleasure, how sensitive she was and how easily he drew such pretty sounds from her lips.
He missed the way she squinted at him in disapproval, how she smiled at him when he talked, perhaps not realizing how fond her gaze was.
Thomas had told himself that he had wedded for Reuben’s sake – that is what he claimed. But eventually, he had gotten a taste of the woman he had sought help from and he knew his life would never be the same again.
