“He has been an absolute angel, Your Grace,” she stated.
Jane chuckled, leading the child back to bed.
“Even I know that children are hardly capable of such miracles,” she teased, helping the boy climb beneath his covers. “Do not worry about him. I will ensure that he gets the rest he needs.”
“Are you sure, Your Grace? I do not wish to bother you,” Miss Becker said uncertainly.
Jane shook her head, smiling down at Reuben as she stroked his hair, feeling a gentle tug at her heart strings. She had tried so hard not to grow so attached to him, unable to dare to call himher son even once. But right then, in that moment as he nuzzled into her touch, she could not help but feel as though he really had grown to become a piece of her.
A piece she would have to leave behind, come sunrise.
“It is no bother at all. I think we would all prefer it if I took care of him tonight,” she replied quietly.
The nanny did not put on further arguments and she left soon after. Once the door had closed, Jane allowed all her attention to rest on the child below, wriggling beneath the sheets in a bid to get even more comfortable.
“You cannot continue to do that,” she murmured, gently cupping his cheeks. “She was only trying to help. Do not refuse when others want to help you, darling. Even if... even if you would rather prefer that I do it – that I read to you and sing to you, or eat with you and keep you company until you fall asleep... if I am not there, please allow yourself to be take care of anyway. Because I would be the one to be by your side if I could.”
Reuben blinked at her, once, twice, then he nodded slowly and Jane found herself laughing, tears filling her eyes for a moment.
“I am glad that I got to meet you,” she told him as she rapidly blinked away the tears in her eyes. “It meant everything to me that I was given the opportunity to care for a soul as wonderful as you are, my darling boy. I never got to tell you before, but... it was not your fault. None of what happened was any fault of yours. So, do not punish yourself. You deserve to be heard, asloudly as possible. You are a brilliant, bright and wonderful boy and – oh how I wish I could have had some more time with you. I wish I could have watched you grow, and laugh more and live. You deserve a good life, Reuben. The best that you can get. I hope that you remember to find that.
“Be patient with yourself, and your father. He loves you more than anything else in this world. He will struggle to show it sometimes, but I hope that you never doubt that you have his heart. Give him a chance to love you as much as he can, as much as he would let you.”
Jane hesitated, knowing that burdening a child with such was not fair, but she did not know what else to do. She was worried for Thomas, even though she had not let herself acknowledge that fact or even face him. Ultimately, she wanted him to be happy, with someone else who would hopefully remind him that he was worth the love she could not let herself give.
No matter how desperately her soul craved to.
“Take care of him as well. I know that it will be hard at first, but you are so much stronger than you realize. It’ll be alright, if you only just try to be there for each other,” she mumbled, patting his hair once more with a smile. “I will be back again to visit you occasionally. You have my word.”
Jane allowed herself to take one last, long look at him, taking in his dark hair and eyes that made him look so much like his father, ignoring the pulsing of her heart that was about to burst with all the feelings she held for them both.
This was the end and she needed to see through what was to come.
“Sweet dreams, my precious darling boy,” she whispered, pressing a kiss to Reuben’s forehead.
She lingered for a moment, seated with bated breath as she hoped that he would say something to her, wishing suddenly that she had committed his voice to memory all those times he had given her the chance to hear it.
Absently, she prayed that later, when life became difficult once more, she would be able to recall every chuckle and word she had heard from the boy’s lips.
Just as she expected, Reuben said nothing, but she was not disappointed. She smiled at him, pulled his covers tighter around his body and then she worked up the courage to stand.
“Good bye, Reuben,” she muttered, before she turned around and left the room.
The moment the door fell shut behind her, a tear rolled down her face.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Jane had thought that the hardest thing she would ever have to do would be to come to terms with a marriage she did not want and had no part in agreeing to.
As it turned out, this was the hardest thing; leaving the home she’d found away from the one she was raised in, and leaving behind the people her heart had grown to yearn for.
She had more things now, somehow, dresses and gifts the duke had ordered to be procured for her and with every item she put away into her luggage, the heavier her heart grew.
It was still early, and hardly any of the staff were awake yet, but Jane’s head was loud with the thoughts that had kept her up all night as well.
A part of her ached to stop, to refuse to keep their initial bargain, just to see how Thomas would react. But that would be pointless – not to mention impossible because she was still afraid.
She had begun to imagine gradually but eventually transforming into a replica of her mother. She could see her voice being used only to echo the ideals and opinions of her husband, her whole life tossed aside like rubbish, its sole purpose put towards the contentment of the duke.
