No. It couldn’t possibly be because of Trey.
Could it?
I mean, the last time my dick was interested in something was when we hung out all those years ago, but it was never because of him… was it?
No, definitely not.
Right?
I can’t be sure.
Especially now.
There’s something about the warmth of his body next to me that is equal parts familiar and new at the same time. His smell, like hotel shampoo with the faint edge of sweat. His breathing, steady and almost hypnotic. The way he came to my rescue today. The comfort he gives me, even after all these years, like nothing’s changed, even though I’m acutely aware of how everything has changed. I certainly have.
There’s just something about him that suddenly has me thinking all these strange thoughts that I’ve never considered before.
Am I into guys?
I can’t say I’ve ever thought of one as attractive before. Though I can say that the only reason I ever commented on women being attractive was because the guys did and it made sense.
People do things in college because they know it’s temporary. They know the damage they cause won’t last forever. It’s what typical people do when they go to college. They drink a lot, fuck a lot, stress about their grades even more. But they get through it. And what happens never really matters. At the moment it feels monumental, but after it’s over? It just becomes a memory, and all the energy that was once there fades away until it’s just something that happened.
What if this is like that?
We’re going home tomorrow, to very different places. We’ve talked about texting and talking, and maybe we will, but seeing each other again? It’s unlikely. Very unlikely. Look how long it took for us to get together this time, and it was purely a group thing, arranged by Alex for Austen. Trey and I both have busy jobs. There’s no way we’re going to see each other anytime soon, and we don’t have to worry about any awkward run-ins because of the distance.
Austen and Cameron are together, and they were friends all those years ago.
I definitely heard Mack and Alex going at it today.
So… what’s wrong with me seeing if Trey wants to hook up?
Like… just this once.
It doesn’t have to be anything. It can be just like college.
No strings. No expectations. Just getting off and going on our way.
Though he hasn’t given me a single hint he would want this, and I could ruin everything if I ask, but if I don’t… I’ll never know what could have happened tonight. I’ll always wonder what he would have said. Pick it apart along with the other things I’ve never said out loud, when I spiral into my failures, and live the rest of my life knowing I’ve grown into a boring human.
I’m doing this for my dick. Just to make sure it’s not broken. I’m sure guys do this all the time. People joke about it, but I’m pretty sure it’s a real thing. Guys just don’t like talking about it because of their toxic masculinity bullshit. They think being into guys makes them less of a man.
I don’t think that at all. In fact, I think the idea that men need to be rugged all the time is a little ridiculous. Maybe that’s why I never bothered with making friends in college outside of the guys, and that only happened because of proximity, I think. Had we not all been on the same team, I don’t know if we would have been friends. Would I have met the guys some other way? How much do I really have in common with them?
What I do know is my dick is aching in a way I haven’t felt in a long time. I close my eyes and wonder if I should just roll back over and go to sleep. I don’t think it’ll work—my dick is demanding and impatient.
“Trey?” I whisper, needing to see if he’s even awake. I could have all these thoughts going in my head for nothing. He did say I could talk to him about anything, but if he’s sleeping, then I need to go to sleep.
“Yeah?” he says, sounding more awake than I thought he’d be.
I don’t know if I’m relieved or disappointed.
“I, uh… I need to say something that I’m already regretting, so I just need to hurry up and say it. And if it’s a bad idea, then I’m sorry, but I need to let it out.” I clear my throat. “I think I, uh… I think I want to have sex with you.”
The room is so quiet I can hear my heart beating. I feel it in my throat, too.
Trey doesn’t move even an inch. I don’t think he’s breathing either. Maybe I killed him because my question was so fucking stupid. Because I’m an idiot and don’t know how to read the room because I’m a hermit who never goes out anywhere. I’ve lost all the social skills that I built when I was younger. Every last one of them. You don’t just tell people you want to have sex with them. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m an idiot.
