Her snowflake necklace I gave her for her fourteenth birthday. The silver pendant felt cold to the touch when I pulled it out, shining underneath the lights of the arena.
Sophie loved winter. She loved snow more than sunny summer days, while I was the complete opposite.
Every single winter she would knock at my door early in the morning if the snow fell during the previous night. Every single winter she would pull me out of the bed, just to go outside.
Just for a minute, she would always say.Just to feel the cold.
I wondered if the place where she went had snow. I hoped she wasn’t in pain anymore.
I unclasped the clasp of the necklace and brought it around my neck, clasping it back while the pendant laid at the column of my neck. I would need to find a longer string, but the cold touch of the pendant against my skin felt like Sophie’s hands on me.
I looked down at the paper on my lap and picked it up, slowly unfolding it, scared not of what was the content, but of my reaction to it.
The first three words felt like knives slicing through my heart, my eyes unable to move from them.
My dear Noah,
It feels weird writing this letter to you, you know? Especially because I know that any moment now you will burst through my door with the biggest smile on your face, even though I know how much this hurts you. And if you’re reading this, that means I’m no longer there with you.
And I know you’re angry, Noah. I was angry as well. I was so angry that I wouldn’t get to live my life. I was so angry that I finally had you and I had to let you go. But I made my peace.
I know you didn’t agree with my decision to not even try any of the treatments, but I knew there would be no point. I would rather have these months with you all over again, then spend them in a hospital bed, only to die feeling more exhausted.
I also know how stubborn you are, and I know that you will try to push away all those people that love you, because you’re hurting. But please don’t do that. This is one of my wishes for you, and I hope you will respect that. Don’t push your mom away. Don’t push your friends away. Keep them with you, because these people we have in our lives are the people that could help us to get through the worst things.
Just how you helped me.
I never told you this, but I always believed in soulmates. I always believed that there is a person out there for each and every one of us, and for me that person is you. It will always be you, darling. And I know how much you love me—how much you’ll always love me—but here’s one thing you need to know about soulmates.
We can have more than one.
And my second wish for you is to go out there, go into this crazy world and find your other soulmate. I’m sure she is somewhere there, waiting for you. She needs you and you need her, Noah. I don’t want you to stop living just because I am no longer here. I don’t want you to stop dreaming just because I won’t get to do the same.
You are so loved, Noah. So, so loved, and I would hate to see you in pain.
I’m sure that the pain would always be there, but please don’t let that be the only thing in your life. Pain sucks, I know it does, but it wouldn’t be there if we didn’t feel love in the first place. And I love you so much.
So fucking much, Noah.
You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and I wouldn’t change a thing. I would go through all of this all over again if it meant meeting you again. So go out there. Go and play hockey, fall in love again, have a family, have kids, Noah. Please live.
I want you to live… For me. Do all those crazy things we talked about. Go bungee jumping. Visit Dubai and Burj Khalifa. Go to Myanmar. Surf in Australia. Do them all. Do them for yourself, because why else are we here if not to live our lives fully?
Don’t be sad. I know that’s an idiotic request to make, but please don’t be sad. I fulfilled most of the things I wanted to do, and more than half of those were fulfilled thanks to you.
If you ever get to visit Rome, like we talked about, please say hi to those marvelous buildings for me. Take pictures. Go wild.
Just don’t get arrested.
I’m leaving this pendant with you. I know it sucks giving back gifts, but I wanted to give it back to you. I want you to always have at least a little piece of me with you.
I love you, Noah. I will always love you.
But now you need to let me go. Set me free, darling.
And remember, opportunities are missed only if you let them be.
With all my love,
