“I know. I feel the same.”
“I’m sorry I’m crying here in your arms. I’m pretty sure you were running away from all this, but I wanted to give you this envelope and then…”
“Don’t worry, B. We’re still friends, you know?” I pulled slightly back and looked down at her. “We can still go out for a coffee or something if you’d like to talk about it.”
She kept staring at me, fighting back the incoming tears and brushing them away from her cheeks.
“You’re a good guy, Noah. I’m sorry you’ve lost her. You have no idea how sorry I am.”
“You lost her too. We all lost her.”
And as I stood there covered by the huge tree, sharing my pain with Sophie’s best friend, a small part of me whispered into the wind.
It’s going to be okay.
* * *
The ice rink still lookedthe same on the outside—the same color ice, the same smell on the bleachers, the same faces as I entered the building—yet everything was different.
After I drove Bianca home, unable to just leave her there no matter how much I wanted to disappear, I finally drove to the other side of town, to the place that would always belong to Sophie and me.
This was where some of my worst and best memories were made. This was where I laughed, where I cursed, where I cried, and this was where I loved her. I looked toward the right side of the rink, almost picturing her from my memory during that first competition she had.
Sophie wore the ugliest costume ever known to man, yet she still looked like an angel, with her head tied into a bun on top of her head, and the soft blush on her face. The yellow color of the costume, mixed with the blue tutu skirt, was as hideous as it could be, but she looked like a dream gliding over the ice so effortlessly.
Otherworldly was the only word that came to my mind at that time, and the entire arena watching her knew at that moment that this was a girl meant for big things.
I sat down in the last row, my lips pulling into a small smile when I saw the engraved initials between the two seats.
N & S
A tear dropped on top of my hand as I stroked the old wood. This was where she told me how terrified she was about her first competition. This was where I held her hand, assuring her that she had nothing to worry about. This was where I wanted to kiss her for the first time, not in the middle of the forest.
But I did everything wrong.
I’d wasted time. I’d missed chances, yet she always looked at me as if I put the stars in the sky. She never wavered, never cursed me out for the things I’d done.
She never tried changing who I was. She always understood even when I didn’t deserve to be understood.
Even after that fiasco during the carnival, she still took me back.
“How am I supposed to go on without you, Soph?” I asked, but nobody answered. Ghosts of our past hugged me, choked me, squeezed my chest until I couldn’t breathe anymore.
“How am I supposed to live when you are not here, baby?”
I knew that if she was here now, she would’ve told me to get my shit together and keep going, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t erase the fact that she lived among the clouds now, while I stayed here on earth.
I leaned back, keeping my hand on the engraved letters, and with my other hand I pulled out the envelope Bianca gave me.
I turned it to the other side, seeing my name written in Sophie’s cursive handwriting, this time letting the tears flow. I took the envelope with both hands and started tearing at the opening, both terrified and excited to see what was inside.
And wasn’t it fucked up that even this small piece of paper she left for me felt like she was sitting right next to me? The air conditioning kicked in and I could almost smell her vanilla and cinnamon scent in the air.
I could hear her giggling ringing around the arena. I could hear Coach Liudmila screaming at her, but also smiling after she landed every single one of her jumps.
My hands shook as I pulled out the paper and saw something else inside.
Her necklace.
