I knew my mom well enough to know that she wasn’t asking only that. She knew I wouldn’t be going back home. She knew I wasn’t okay. I would never be okay, but she still wanted to know.
“Yeah.” I nodded. “You should go. She needs you more than I do right now.”
I just wanted to be alone.
Alone to think about all the things we went through.
Alone to cry in peace where nobody could see me, where nobody could comfort me.
With hesitant steps, my mom started walking backward, finally turning around and going over to Sophie’s mom.
I knew I shouldn’t stay here—no, I couldn’t stay here. I didn’t want to look at these people gathered here. I didn’t want to be reminded that my Sophie laid in that coffin seven feet beneath the ground; all alone, cold and dead.
I stuffed my hands into the front pockets of my slacks and started walking through the crowd, looking at the floor.
I didn’t want them to talk to me. I didn’t want to look at them. I didn’t want to see the grief on their faces.
I just wanted to be angry. I wanted to scream and shout and curse at life. I wanted to disappear.
That first day after she died felt like a nightmare, and I just wanted to wake up.
The wind started picking up, dancing over my face with butterfly touches. I didn’t see where I went, I just needed to get away from here. I needed to get away from everybody.
The need to be close to her drove me crazy, and I knew one spot where I always felt the closest to Sophie.
“Noah!” a voice came from behind me, halting me in my steps almost immediately.
“For fuck’s sake, slow the fuck down!”
I turned around and was immediately met by Bianca and the grimace on her face. She stopped in front of me, neither one of us talking, just existing.
Bianca couldn’t understand my pain, and I couldn’t understand hers. Every single one of us hurt in a different way, but we all shared the same sorrow and the same reality.
“How are you feeling?” I asked first, clearing my throat. Her usually stoic face was now marred by the tear streaks on her cheeks, and the eyes that usually carried mischief wherever she went, were now empty.
“I-I.” She gulped. “I’d be lying if I said that I’m okay, but I also don’t want us to talk about it. Emotions are the last things I want to discuss right now.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
“I’m here to give you this.” She pulled something from the pocket of her suit jacket and extended her hand toward me.
A brown envelope stood between her fingers, and with my heart in my throat, I took it from her, seeing that it had something more inside, and not only paper.
“What’s this?” I asked, checking out the small package she gave me.
“It was Sophie’s last wish,” she choked out. “She, uh… Oh, man, this is hard.” Bianca patted her cheeks and squeezed her eyes, while I stood there, unable to provide her with any comfort. “She wanted me to give this to you.” Her eyes opened, filled with tears and regrets. “She knew she was going to leave us.” A stray tear escaped from her eye, rolling down her cheek. “She gave it to me two weeks ago and begged me to give it to you when the time came.” Bianca laughed, but there was no happiness in that laugh. “I told her not to bullshit me, because she wasn’t going to die. And she was always stubborn, you know? She was all like, ‘Humor me, B.’ So I took it… I took it and told her that there won’t be a need for me to hand it over to you because she won’t die. And she did… She died, Noah!” Her voice raised. “She left us.”
“Bianca—”
“I know. I know I have no right to feel like this, or to talk about it with you, because you loved her so much. Even a blind person could see that.”
“B.” I took a step closer and ducked beneath the umbrella she held and pulled her into my embrace.
“You guys were supposed to end up together,” Bianca sobbed. “I wasn’t ready for her to leave us. I’m sorry, Noah. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay, B. You loved her too.”
“I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to feel.”
