“I will love you forever, Sophie. I want you to remember that.” I looked at her. “Always and forever.”
She started nodding, her face wet from the rain and her tears. And when her lips came down on mine, I held her tighter, whispering between kisses how much she meant to me.
I wanted us to stay like this forever; underneath the rain and the thunder, holding each other, loving each other. But fantasies were one thing, and the two of us unfortunately lived in the real world.
22
NOAH
Life and deathwere like two lovers, always dancing around each other, but never touching, missing each other forever, until one day they got to be together again. Like the story of Sun and Moon always yearning for each other, wishing that things were different. Wishing that Fates gave them a better life instead of the one filled with longing and pain.
Unbeknownst to us, we are all nothing but characters in this play Life and Death were orchestrating, and no matter how much we tried to fight against them, how much we tried to resist the pull toward the other side—toward Death—it always ended the same.
They always met each other no matter what we did.
I wanted to believe that there was a reason for all this suffering, all this pain, but as I sat here on the edge of the bed, holding Sophie’s cold hand, I couldn’t find it in myself to understand why things happened the way they did.
Her once bright face was as pale as the sheet of paper, taking on the streaks of gray over her hollow cheeks. It wasn’t even three weeks since that night when we held each other under the pouring rain, mourning the life we could’ve had, and her condition worsened.
There was no cause, there was no trigger, but when I saw the face of her doctor five days ago, I knew what this was.
It was the end.
But the thing that slammed that final nail into my heart wasn’t the sorrow touching the lines of his face. No. It was the tired smile on Sophie’s face when I came back to that sterile hospital room. Her eyes told the story I wasn’t ready to hear, and she didn’t say the words as I sat down next to her and pulled her toward me, begging the forces of the universe to give us more time.
Just a little bit more. A few more days, more months, more years… But no matter what, none of us were ever ready to let go. We tried telling ourselves that when the time came, we would be able to let go—that we would be able to say that we were okay with the final outcome.
But I knew that I could spend a thousand more years with her and I would still not be ready to let her go. My mind understood what was happening, but my heart refused to believe that this beautiful girl with eyes filled with sunshine, and a soul colored with the rainbow, wasn’t going to be with me anymore.
She was leaving me.
Since we came back from the hospital I’d spent every waking hour by her side; holding her, loving her, telling her stories about this new life I was supposed to embark on, even when my heart kept breaking.
I was supposed to move to New York in September. I was supposed to be looking for a place to stay already, but it felt as if my entire life got put on hold, waiting for this day to come.
She didn’t have to say the words. She didn’t have to show me how much it hurt. I could see it as clear as day—Sophie was tired. My Sophie wasn’t fighting anymore because what was the point? One more day or one more week wouldn’t make a difference.
A Death Reaper was still going to come to collect his prize, and there was no escaping him.
“Noah?” Her fingers squeezed my hand, but there was no strength left in them. There was no life in her body anymore.
She was here, but she wasn’t. Her body was still moving, her chest still rose and fell with the shallow breaths she took, but there was no more spark in those beautiful eyes of hers.
She didn’t try to tell me that everything was going to be okay anymore—we both knew it wouldn’t. We both knew this moment was coming, but even if I had years to prepare for this, the pain would still be the same.
I started breathing through my nose, my chest shaking, holding the tears at bay. My pain shouldn’t be the first thing she would see when she opens her eyes, and I refused to leave her with this broken memory of me.
I refused to leave her with a shattered picture of me.
“Hey, Soph,” I murmured and lifted her hand toward my lips, pressing a soft kiss on top of it. “How are you feeling?”
She stirred, fighting to open her eyes, but I knew even that caused her a great amount of pain. Just before the hospital, she told me that her molars felt as if they were going to fall out, laughing about it, but I knew why.
She never told us about the pain she felt. She never once asked me to take her to the doctor, and I knew she kept that pain hidden, grinding her teeth so that none of us would see how much it hurt.
None of the medicine they gave her worked. It did nothing except for a momentary relief that was replaced by horrendous pain mere moments later.
“Tired,” she answered, her voice soft, almost shaking. She pulled herself up into a sitting position and I immediately moved and placed the pillow behind her back. Her tongue darted out, licking her dry lips, but when her eyes opened, the same brightness I knew from before shone through them.
