“Nothing happened, J.” I smiled while my heart cracked even further, but I looked at Noah instead of Jared as I spoke. “Sometimes the people you hang out with become just a habit, a familiar place, if you wish to call it that. I was never one to keep hanging around people when I wasn’t wanted anymore.”
“Wha—”
“I gotta go.” I looked back at him, my heart beating a thousand miles per hour, ignoring the bane of my existence. I promised myself I wouldn’t get angry anymore over the things I couldn’t change, but it was getting harder and harder with each second that passed. His presence alone made me angry, and he was the least of my concerns right now. “I’ll see you around. I hope you guys have an amazing game tomorrow.”
I turned from them and started walking toward the front door of my house. With one last glance at my ex-best friend and Jared, I entered inside, shaking off the cold and headache slowly spreading through my skull. I knew it was only a matter of time before I wouldn’t be able to move at all.
The picture of my parents, my brother, Andrew, and me, hanging on the wall before the staircase, caught my attention, and the anger I felt before was nothing compared to the one I started feeling now. We all looked so happy, so content, in this picture taken just before Andrew went off to college. I never really understood the saying before, but time really passes quickly when you don’t appreciate the small things in life, like the happiness of my family.
Now, this house that used to be filled with happiness, with laughter, love and a bright future, felt like a tomb—lifeless, depressing, dressed in gray colors of despair. I thought about all the dreams I had, the light shining in my eyes even on the picture, and then looked at myself in the mirror on the opposite wall. My once shining eyes were now dull, the bright green color dimmed, marred by everything that had happened. At least my hair was clean, tied up in a low ponytail, the sharp lines of my face more prominent this way.
I wanted to hide, but I knew it would bring me no good.
This morning when I woke up, I promised myself I wouldn’t succumb to the same old emotions I’d been trapped with during the last month. But it was getting harder and harder fighting it, being brave, putting a smile on my face when all I wanted to do was scream and scream and scream until my throat went hoarse, and my voice died down in my chest.
All those things were mere wishes and if I wanted to survive all this, I had to bite down all these emotions clogging my veins and try to pretend that tomorrow, a brighter sun would shine through my windows.
“Soph.” My brother’s voice pulled me back from the dark and depressing thoughts running free through my mind. “Are you okay?”
I looked at him, hating myself even more when the dark circles he didn’t usually have were the first thing that greeted me. He looked tired, sad, desperate, and I knew I was the reason. I knew he was here, away from his studies, because he wanted to be here for me, but I didn’t want his life to end just because I couldn’t handle my own shit right now.
“I’m fine, Andy. I think I’m going to go and lie down for a bit. My head’s been throbbing, and I don’t want it to get worse.”
“Do you need anything?” I knew what he was asking. I didn’t need to be a mind reader to know. Ever since he came home from college a week or so ago, he’s been all over me, asking questions, begging me to tell him how I felt. How could I tell him when I didn’t know how to describe this turmoil running through me?
I couldn’t tell him that some days went better than the others, but that the dark cloud I’d been so desperately trying to run away from was getting closer and closer. My therapist said that it was normal, feeling like this, given the situation, but it was tiring going from being extremely happy to extremely sad, then angry, then sad again, then just numb.
“Nah.” I forced a smile and stepped closer to him, wrapping my arms around his middle, letting the blanket fall off of my shoulders. “I’m all good.” I squeezed as tight as I could when his arms wrapped around my shoulders, keeping me close to him.
His warmth was all I needed right now, and I hated myself for what all this was doing to him. It wasn’t fair that he had to go through this.
I squeezed my eyes tighter, forcing the tears that threatened to spill to go back, to just stay still, at least until I moved away from him. I succeeded as I stepped away from him and lifted the blanket from the ground, shaking from the cold seeping through my bones.
“You need to eat something,” Andrew said as I came closer to the stairs. “I don’t remember you having breakfast.”
“I had some cereal.”
“That’s not enough.”
“Andy.” I sighed. “I’m okay, and I’m not hungry.”
“It’s almost five in the afternoon, Soph. If you continue like this—” He stopped himself before he could say what was really on his mind.
If I continued like this, I would bring myself to the brink of death. That was what he wanted to say, but couldn’t because we both knew what truly lay in front of all of us. We both knew that we needed to stay sane and collected if we wanted to survive what life threw at us.
“I’m sorry,” he rasped. “I didn’t mean it like—”
“It’s okay, Andy. I know what you meant. I’m going to go to bed now. I promise I’ll eat something once I get up. Sound good?”
A tiny nod was all I got before he disappeared down the hallway leading toward the living room. I wished I had something better to tell him to console him, to tell him that all these feelings running through him would one day be just a mere memory he wouldn’t want to relive, but I couldn’t because I feared that my own voice would betray me. Instead of me consoling him, he would be the one consoling me.
I watched him as he disappeared into the room, as the hushed voices filtered through the air—probably my mom—and started walking toward my bedroom, the tiredness already making my limbs heavier and my heart emptier.
I was supposed to be at practice right now, but I couldn’t bring myself to go anymore. Figure skating used to be the one thing I never could get tired of, and now, no matter how much I loved it, I couldn’t bring myself to drive to that ice rink, to put my skates on and just be.
Everything had changed, and I knew that nothing would ever be the same.
2
