1
SOPHIE
Sadness came in waves.
It came out of nowhere and tapped you on your shoulder like an old, childhood friend whom you hadn’t seen in years, and just like that, all those memories you’d tried to forget hit you in your chest, knocking the breath out of you. Some days, it was easier dealing with an avalanche of emotions it brought, but on the others, it hurt like an open cut, and you would start bleeding all over again.
That was the moment where you realize that you never truly healed, but that you were fooling yourself, trying to feel better, even if just for a moment.
My memories… They lived everywhere around me. Most days I tried to shield my eyes and ignore the whispers and that happy childlike laughter still bouncing off of the walls of my house. But today was not one of those days where I could pretend that I didn’t remember the late nights spent beneath that willow tree behind our houses.
I couldn’t pretend that his eyes didn’t see everything I tried to hide. I also couldn’t pretend that the boy I grew up with was nothing more than a stranger as he stood on the porch of his house, right next to mine, staring at me as if he had seen a ghost.
Sharpened claws scratched across the left chamber of my heart where he used to live when I remembered that I couldn’t wave at him. I couldn’t smile like I used to. I couldn’t run down the three stairs and go over to his house, because he wasn’t my Noah anymore. He made sure of it.
With all the strength I had in my body, I looked away toward the street where a car I knew all too well passed, stopping right in front of his house. I could still feel Noah’s eyes on me, and I gripped the blanket wrapped around my body, holding on to it like a lifeline, because if I didn’t, I knew my body would betray me.
I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing the pain written all over my face. People often said that breakups were some of the hardest things they went through in their life, but what about breakups between friends? What about all the memories you made together? What about all those late nights when their eyes were the only light holding you upright?
What about words spoken and unspoken, the promises, the future we dreamed of? What about the small touches, hugs and kisses on your cheeks? How was I supposed to forget it all when he still lived in here, in me, in my chest, in every poem I wrote, in every new thing I did that I wanted to tell him about?
How could I forget that the boy that started as my friend turned out to be so much more, even though I never told him?
He was never mine, but losing him felt like thunder cracking through the sky, shattering the peace and quiet. He shattered my heart, and I couldn’t exactly blame him—he never knew.
I could hear the voices coming from my left side, and I gritted my teeth, pulled the blanket tighter, and got up to go back inside.
“Sophie!”Goddammit.
I kept my back to them. Even though it wasn’t Noah that called out my name, it still had the same effect—my heart still cracked because his friends were not my friends anymore.
It felt as if an hour passed before I braced myself to turn around and face them, but in reality, it took a couple of seconds to take a deep breath and swallow down the sorrow and regrets dancing around in my throat. I knew I looked like shit—that was what I got after sleepless nights and eyes crying out tears I didn’t want—but it was too late to pretend that I didn’t hear Jared calling out to me.
I straightened up and wrapped the blanket tighter around my shoulders and twirled around with a small smile on my face. “Hey, J.”
I trained my eyes on the tall, blond-haired guy who carried a smile wherever he went, instead of looking at the person every single nerve in my body was screaming for.
Jared leaned on the fence, and as he did, my eyes betrayed me and connected with the eyes colored like the bluest skies. He still looked the same, still looked like my Noah, but unlike all the other times, he didn’t smile at me. He didn’t move from the spot, his hands still inside his front pockets.
His shoulders seemed wider, his entire body taller, but that might have been my imagination because I did everything in my power to avoid him. I refused to go to hockey games. I refused to visit places he frequented because I didn’t want to see his face. I refused to look at his house for the sole fear of seeing even a glimpse of him, because a broken heart could only take so much.
Noah was the first one to look away this time, ignoring both Jared and me, and I bit down on my tongue when an involuntary whimper threatened to erupt from my chest.
“I haven’t seen you in forever, dude,” Jared continued, unaware of the awkward feelings lingering in the air. “Where have you been?”
Everywhere and nowhere, I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him what I found out—I wanted to tell them both. But as much as I loved them, as much as I missed them, especially Noah, they weren’t my friends anymore. Losing Noah meant losing all these people I loved. When we stopped talking, when he forgot what we used to have since we were kids, his friends did too.
“Practice, you know? And school,” I shrugged, keeping my emotions in check. If he really cared about me and where I’d been, he would’ve reached out. That was enough to cement what I already knew—his friends were never my friends, and it fucking sucked.
“I haven’t seen you around the rink lately.” Jared continued his mini interrogation. “I remember when you used to almost live there. Hell, you were there more often than any of us, including Noah.” He straightened up and looked at him. “I’m right, aren’t I? I could never go there without seeing her, and then boom, just like that, you were nowhere to be seen.” He looked back at me with those words. “What happened?”
Something ugly unfurled inside my chest at the words so callously said, as if he didn’t know what happened. As if he didn’t hear how humiliating that night was, when the boy I believed to be my best friend threw me on the side as if I was yesterday’s trash because I was embarrassing him. Because I was too much for him, his friends, and his girls that were flocking to him like chickens around the grains thrown on the ground.
What happened was that Noah’s words hurt more than anything else I felt before that night. What hurt even more was that he never apologized. It’s been three months since that night at the carnival and he still refused to acknowledge what was said and done.
That night was the night where I knew that this friendship I was clinging to was a one-way road to destruction. I was the only one trying to make it work.
But that was also the night when I decided that there were more important things in life, and instead of scooting down to their level, I would be the bigger person. I could feel the familiar throb in the back of my head, and I didn’t want them to see me in the state I became so familiar with.
