“I thought nothing could ever hurt me as deeply as when my husband didn’t come back to me. But he didn’t mean to hurt me. He didn’t do it by choice. You did. Hehurt me by doing something good for other people. But you? You knew exactly what you were doing. So, I am going to walk out of here with my head held high and no tears on my face.”
“Brina.” He whispered her name almost desperately.
“Not one more word. I can’t wait for you to apologize tomor—tonight at midnight, at the ball. I came on my own because I wanted to be the last one to leave tonight. So you see, you aren’t the only one who can break the rules.”
She kept her chin up, her shoulders straight, and looked straight ahead as she walked past him. Somehow, she managed to make it to the carriage and climb inside before a heaving sob of heartache left her mouth. A second and third came rushing out before she was able to stop the flow and hold the rest of her anguish inside her aching throat.
There was nothing to compare to the hurt of realizing he had chosen his wayward life over her.
How could she ever get over that?
Chapter 26
Brina always felt better after visiting with the sisters at Pilwillow Crossings. She had deliberately stayed away from her house until darkness covered the sky. Not only did it nourish her spirit to be at the abbey, but today it kept her from having to talk with Adeline and Julia. They meant well, but she wasn’t up to bearing their concern for her. She hadn’t actually told them how deeply she felt for Zane, but she was sure they knew. Probably from the first time they saw her with him, they knew she felt differently about him than any other man. She’d never hidden that from them.
Having been too numb to sleep for very long, she’d sent them both a note early in the morning saying she’d be out all day and would see them at the ball. She wanted no one going with her, acting as a companion, and certainly not as the dedicated friends they were. They would respect her need for privacy. Part of her healing would be handling this on her own. She couldn’t letlosing Zane affect her the way losing Stewart had. From that, her recovery had been long. Now she was older and wiser, but she knew she would miss Zane all the days of her life.
A tired laugh passed her throat as she walked up to her front door. It appeared Zane had changed her more than she had changed him. Imagine her—a widow showing up at a ball without a companion. It simply wasn’t done, but she would. If the old guard of Society were so inclined, they could shun her. Right now, she’d welcome it. She was feeling very much alone anyway.
She wouldn’t be spending the rest of her life any different than she’d expected for the past five years. She had always said she’d never marry again and believed it—until Zane had her dreaming of happily-ever-afters. For a short time, he had given her hope she could have the incomparable feeling of true love.
Oh, why had she fallen in love with London’s most notorious rake?
What hurt the worst was that he never truly loved her. Why else would he have gone to the club and spent the night gambling and—and? Her thoughts paused. He’d said there were no women.
She swallowed hard. Even now, she wanted to believe that was true. Only the need to play cards.
But again, it didn’t change the outcome. Any or all, it was the one sure way he wouldn’t have to marry her.
Staying at the abbey also kept her from the possibility of seeing Zane should he even want to see her and try once again to explain his unforgivable actions last night.
After they made love, she had lay bare her deepest soul to him, telling him things she’d never told anyone. How could he have been so callous with her love?
Brina opened the door and started taking off her gloves.
“Is that you, Mrs. Feld?” Mrs. Lawton called from above the stairs.
“Yes,” she answered.
“Lord Blacknight has called on you three times today and waited more than an hour each time.”
“Thank you for letting me know, Mrs. Lawton,” she answered, untying her bonnet.
“You best hurry on up. You’re already late getting ready for the ball.”
Brina placed her bonnet, gloves, and reticule on the side table. There, lined in a neat row, were three notes. Her name written in the bold lettering of a man. She wanted to swipe them all off the table and fling them as far as she could. How dare he start trying to follow accepted rules now!
She turned away and headed up the stairs. After all the times he came over without asking, how dare he leave her notes today? She walked into her room and gasped. Hanging on her wardrobe was the gorgeous bright pink gown that had been in the shop window near the abbey.
“It arrived this afternoon,” Mrs. Lawton said with a beaming smile. “I figured you wanted to wear it tonight, so I pressed it for you and laid out your stockings, shoes, and jewelry for you to choose from.”
Brina’s heartache over the earl had been so great, she’d forgotten she’d gone to the shop yesterday and had been fitted for the gown.
To wear tonight.
When she thought she’d be accepting Zane’s proposal and could put away her widow’s clothing.
Not an apology.
