Something about that makes me happy. We’ve all spent so much time trying to figure out that mystery; it’d be a shame to give up on it now. But by far, Hutch has been the most devoted to finding the Guardian of Hearts Lane Park. And I, for one, hope he finds the person.
Hutch glances over at me. “So…how’s Carly?” he asks with a smirk.
Everyone turns to look at me. Fuck, guess the cat’s out of the bag. I haven’t exactly talked to them all yet, and Carly and I have sort of been downplaying things. But I could use their input.
“She’s fine,” I start. I look around and can tell I have no choice but to explain everything.
“We’ve been…testing the relationship waters,” I admit, the words coming out in a rush.
“I fucking knew it. You owe me a hundred,” Kasen says to Hutch.
I glare at him. “What? I knew it,” he mumbles as he looks back at the screen as if he’s playing the game still, but I can tell he’s not since the music is on telling me he’s checking his stats.
“So…what does that entail, exactly?” Kasen asks.
“We sort of…kissed and then slept together in Italy,” I say. “And we’ve been sleeping together ever since we got back.”
Kasen fist-pumps. “I fucking knew it. Pay up, asswipe,” Kasen says to Hutch and makes a motion for him to give him something.
Hutch reaches into his pocket and pulls out his money clip for the second time in a minute. He gives Kasen an additional one hundred dollars.
I groan. “Seriously?”
Hutch shrugs. “I mean. I really thought maybe you two were taking it slower, but I guess Kase was right.”
“I…thought we would too, but, fuck, I don’t know. I love Carly. I’ve loved Carly for years now. And then when we kissed…this sounds so fucking cheesy, but something changed. I’m scared as fuck to lose her,” I ramble as I try to explain how I feel. The guys talk about relationship stuff, but not a lot. It feels awkward sharing all this with them, but there’s no way my brother or dad would understand. And Lanie’s great, but she can only give me the female perspective.
Gray comes over and sits down next to me. “Why are you so scared? It sounds like things are going great.”
I let out a long breath that I didn’t realize I’d been holding. “I haven’t really had a relationship that’s lasted longer than a few months. It’s my own fault. I always end things because I have some irrational fears from childhood,” I explain.
Gray studies me. He knows about Lanie. “Is it because of your friend who was sick when you were kids?”
I nod. “I know, it was forever ago. And she’s fine now. But it really fucked me up. I don’t think I realized how badly it did until recently. And I’m just afraid I’ll either pull away out of fear and ruin things, or something really will happen to her.
“I also don’t want to ruin our friendship. She’s one of my best friends,” I add.
Hutch leans his elbows on his knees and looks at me while Fletcher purses his lips as if considering what to say. Kasen just gives me a pointed look.
“Mate, love is loss. What’s that saying…something like uh, grief is the price we pay for love,” Kasen says.
“What if I don’t want the grief?” I ask.
“I hate to break it to you, but you can’t really have one without the other,” Fletcher states.
“Not helping. I don’t want to hear that,” I grumble.
Kasen throws his hands in the air. “You love a beautiful woman with an awesome kid, and she obviously loves you back. You hit the motherfucking jackpot. Work through your shit. Get a fucking therapist or something. And be thankful for what you have,” he says sternly.
I look to Gray, and he shrugs his agreement. “Kasen’s right. Carly is amazing. And Ava is the coolest kid that I’ve ever met.”
They aren’t wrong. Everything they say is right, and I think that scares me even more.
“But what if, like, I fuck it up?” I grumble, feeling more like a petulant child than an adult. Why do my friends have to make sense? Why can’t I just accept that I love this woman?
All my friends bust out laughing.
“What?” I ask them.
