Lainey’s head whips around.
“Yeah, it’s—”
“Who’s she in love with?” he asks, and Lainey blanches. Holland appears on the screen next to Lainey. His expression is stone, his jaw tight.
“Who are you in love with, Ellie?” he asks, his voice low.
“Holland, come on. This is girl talk,” Lainey tries. Holland doesn’t even look her way.
“It’s him, isn’t it? Jamie fucking Patterson. It’s him?” I can’t answer. I don’t want to disappoint my brother. I know he wanted to kill Jamie back then for what he did to me. He saw how broken I was, and now he’s seeing it again.
“Holland, I—”
“He broke you,” Holland snaps. “Do you remember that part? Or did we all just hallucinate the months you couldn’t even get out of bed?”
My throat tightens painfully. “Holland, of course I remember.”
“Then why are we doing this again, Ellie? Why are you letting the same guy hurt you twice?”
“Because I love him, Holland!” The words burst out before I can stop them. “Okay? I love him and I tried not to and I fucking failed. I failed.”
Holland’s anger flickers, his nostrils flaring.
“He’s going to leave again,” he says quietly. Not cruel, just certain. “And you’re going to be shattered all over again.”
“Holland…” Lainey starts.
Tears begin to run again, but I do my best to hold strong.
“No, Lainey. He’s right. I should just… cut my losses. Walk away first, you know?” I sniffle. I know that’s what I have to do. I can’t let him break me again. I just… I can’t.
“Ellie, wait—” Lainey begins, but I don’t want her to talk me out of the decision I’ve just made.
“I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” I tell her with a tearful smile before hanging up and throwing my phone onto the carpet.
I’ve done it once, I can do it again, right? I can live without him. He’s not the center of my world. I have friends and family, and I don’t need him. I don’t.
I end up crying myself to sleep, once again, over the boy who broke me nine years ago. The next time I see him, I’ll tell him it’s the end, and everything will go back to the way it was. He’ll go back to his team, and I’ll… I don’t know. Maybe I’ll stay here for another semester. Maybe I’ll go home. But whatever I do, it’s going to break my fucking heart.
Chapter 35
Jamie
I
tossed and turned all night. My mind is on one million things, and I’m stressed as fuck when I should be fucking thrilled. I saw the way Ellie looked at me, like I was about to shatter her world all over again. I hate that look. It’s well deserved, I guess. However, I made the decision that I’m going to ask her to come with me. When all is said and done, I want her by my side. No, Ineedher. I don’t plan on leaving her behind. I could never. Not after everything that’s happened between us this past semester.
Taking a deep breath, I shake my body out, getting rid of all the tension and all the thoughts that don’t have to with the game tonight.
It’s one of the last games of the semester before winter break, and this might be one of the last times I get to be their coach. These guys need a win. We’ve worked our asses off, and after Cramer, Callahan, Grieves, and Roslavic came and showed the Wolves how to get shit done, they’ve been playing harder than ever. They have drive, they have energy, and they have the want to win. This is it for them. We’re playing Atlantic Academy again, and this is the Wolves time to fucking shine, so they better play their asses off.
The energy in the rink feels electric. I think this might be our biggest crowd yet. I wanted my friends to be here tonight, but they had to get back home. I was also kind of hopeful that Ellie would show up, but as far as I can see, she’s not here. I can’t let that distract me from what’s happening right now though.
The hype music blasts loudly as I lean against the boards during warmups, arms folded, trying to ignore the familiar ache building in my chest. The one that usually symbolizes the beginning of a panic attack.
I take a few deep breaths, shaking my hands out and focusing on the ice. I’ve never seen a therapist, and I never plan to. The only person that knows I even have panic attacks is Ellie. I won’t let my enemies know I have a weakness, and I won’t have my team thinking I’m undeserving of my captaincy, which Iwillget back once I return.
Feeling my adrenaline slowing down, I give the bleachers one last look to see if Ellie might have shown up, but she’s not there. She’s not. She’s come toalmost every game this season, but she’s not at one of the most important ones?
