After my talk with Alex, I’d had every intention of speaking to Matt about it too, but every time I tried to bring it up, I just … couldn’t. The conversation with Alex was awkward, but speaking to Matty about it? Well … well, I don’t want to contemplate the real reason for my hesitation.
It looks like Alex has forced my hand, anyway.
Squaring my shoulders, I turn to face my eldest son. He’s frowning at me, gripping the edge of the table so tightly his knuckles have gone white. I reach across and rest a hand on top of his.
“I’m sorry I haven’t said anything sooner, but there isn’t really anything to tell.” I shoot a look at his brother. “Riley and I are friends. That’s all. Alex is correct that he’s expressed interest in it being more. But I’m not sure what I want.” Again, I look to Alex. “I thought you said you were okay with it, though. With me …maybeseeing where it goes.”
He scoffs. “Okay is too strong a word.” His expression softens, and he glances at Matty. “But, I don’t want you to be lonely, Mom. If you want to be with this guy—”
“I never said that.”
“I know, I’m just saying, if you decide you do want to, like … date him, or whatever,” his face screws up in displeasure at the thought, “I’d find a way to get on board. For you.”
I can’t help but chuckle at that less-than-enthusiastic endorsement.
“I don’t want you to be lonely either, Mom,” Matty agrees, and I’m surprised at how amenable he sounds given his initial reaction. “We both just want you to be happy. Probably we should meet this guy and like vet him or something, though, right?”
Alex nods his agreement.
“Wait—” Matt narrows his eyes on me. “Doesn’t Uncle Aidan hate hisbrother?”
“He doesn’t hate him.”
“You sure about that?”
I sigh. “It’s true they’ve been estranged for a while. Riley left town years ago, and they didn’t manage to stay in touch. He’s here now trying to fix things with the people he hurt when he left.”
“Including you?” Alex asks.
I raise a shoulder. “Yeah. I guess. It’s like I told you before, though,” I turn back to Matt, “and I’m tellingyounow, we’re friends. Or, we’re trying to be. Our past is only one of many reasons why I’m not sure if it can go anywhere else. I’m not sure if I even want it to. If that changes, we can speak about this again, okay?”
“Okay,” Alex agrees, and Matty nods solemnly.
Myconversationwiththeboys last night left me unsettled. So much so that I barely slept, my body tossing and turning in the sheets while my thoughts played a similarly turbulent dance in my head. Matt and Alex both gave me their version of a go-ahead to explore things with Riley, and … that terrifies me. Not just because of our history either, and that’s part ofthe problem. There’s another huge reason why I should be keeping my distance from him, and I’ve been avoiding thinking about it. In fact, I still want to.
But I can’t anymore.
So instead of doing the grocery run as I’d originally planned, this morning finds me chugging my second cold brew—a matcha latte wasn’t going to cut it today—and taking the familiar winding road that leads up to the ridge.
Though it’s been my safe space for years, I’ve resisted coming up here since Riley’s return, unprepared to face all the painful memories his connection with this place might stir up, and unwilling to deal with the new realities that his presence back in my life will create. Today, though, with all the chaos and uncertainty running through my head, it’s the only place I can think to go. Because Riley isn’t giving up, and despite my best efforts and the warnings that continuously scream in my brain, I’m still drawn to him.
Though I’ve lived in denial about it for a long time, the tattered heart in my chest still beats for him.
Could I give him a second chance?
Things have changed so much since we were teenagers. I have the boys now. There are things he doesn’t know, and I’m not sure if I want him to. I’m not sure if I can face him learning the truth or what that would mean for my family. I need to consider all the possible outcomes before going down that road with him again.I need to finally find out where he’s been all this time—why he left.
I wasn’t ready to hear it before, but now I know I have to.
I park in the small lot at the top and climb over the guard rail like I’ve done a thousand times before, weaving down the embankment between a handful of trees to the small outcropping of granite that forms a natural plateau. Though we spent many nights together, parked in the lot above and making out in Riley’s truck, this is the spot where we preferred to come for privacy, partially hidden by the landscape from the touristy lookout above.
I can already feel my shoulders relaxing, the tension in my neck loosening as I duck around a giant boulder. It’s a gorgeous one with all sorts of neat striations that tell the tale of a long-ago glacier’s movements—a claim to fame in our county, and something that keeps armchair geologists flocking to the area year after year. Many of the highways between towns are flanked by large jagged chunks of granite that were blasted through to build the roads, and there’s a large quarry south of Coldpine Ridge that employs many but is a source of controversy due to the environmental and health risks associated with the mining. As a teen, I’d participated in several protests there with the Earth Warriors club from school.
Back then, I was full of idealism, self-righteousness, and hope.
Now I understand not everything is so black and white—that change is hard, and our county and the surrounding ones need those jobs.
I still try to do my part for the environment, though. I still pick up garbage on the beach when I can, reuse and recycle as much as possible, and donate to local conservation organizations. I have a deep love for nature and being outdoors, as evidenced by how much better I feel now that I’m here.
