The distant pulse of the music above is the soundtrack to our fucking. Because that’s what it is. I take her hard and fast, picking up the pace, driving her higher and higher so I can revel in the sounds she’s making. Her moans, her cries … I commit them all to memory because I know this is the last time I’m going to hear them. It has to be.
With our height difference, Steph struggles to remain standing, balanced precariously on the toes of a single foot while I slam her hips repeatedly into the door. I reach around behind her lush ass and scoop her up under the other leg, leveraging her body against the door to assist in taking her full weight. Then I continue to fuck her with hard, punishing thrusts. It’s not her I’m punishing, though. Steph whimpers, and I worry it’s too much. I’ve never been this rough with her before. I’ve lost complete control, but she’s right there with me, clawing at my shoulders, moving against me with fervor—meeting me thrust for thrust. I’m frantic in my movements now, erratic, as I feel the telltalepressure start to build at the base of my spine. My balls draw up tight, and I press deep one final time before stilling against her. Burying my face in her neck, I finally let go, grunting out her name as my body seizes and I spill my orgasm inside her. It’s the sweetest agony because I know this is the end of us.
We stay there like that for a long moment, catching our breath, before I slowly lower her to her feet. Steph looks as stunned as I feel as I pull out of her gently. It’s the most careful I’ve been with her since she arrived, and my gut twists at the realization. What we just did—
I can’t even describe it. It was wild. Animalistic. I was feral for her, and now that it’s over, I feel like shit. Not because it wasn’t amazing, because fucking hell—it was—but because I was so utterly unhinged.
Did I scare her? Hurt her?
Jesus, did she even come?
Our eyes lock, and there’s a depth of emotion swirling in those deep chocolate pools. I quickly glance away.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Bending on a bone-weary sigh, I pull up my underwear, stepping out of my jeans where they’ve pooled at my ankles. Leaving them there on the floor, I guide Steph over to the mattress, and we stumble onto it together. She says nothing as we settle on top of the single worn sheet, leaving my sleeping bag bunched at our feet where I’d last flung it when I’d awoken this afternoon. Once again, I cringe at the thought of her here, in this place. Inthis damp and dusty basement, on this old, used mattress with a sheet I can’t remember ever having changed. How long have I even been crashing here? The days all seem to blend lately.
The heat in the room is oppressive, and my clothes stick uncomfortably to my skin, but when Steph curls into my side and rests her head in the dip of my shoulder, I don’t move or complain. Sadness washes over me as I recall how many times we’ve laid exactly like this together, wrapped up in blankets in the bed of my truck up on the ridge. I have no doubt those nights with her will remain in my memory as some of the best of my life. My breathing finally starts to slow, and I hear Steph’s even out, telling me she’s asleep. Staring up through the shadows at the cracked ceiling overhead, I think about how badly I could use a hit right now. Just a little something to help me sleep. Something to take away all of this guilt I’m feeling. But then Steph burrows closer into me, murmuring sleepy nonsense against the crook of my neck. It soothes my weary mind and frayed soul. It’s the most natural thing in the world when my arms close around her. And when her scent reaches my nose once more, it’s enough. Though I know it’ll be fleeting, I embrace the peace that washes over me, here, now, with Steph in my arms. A moment later, I follow her into oblivion.
Sleepdoesn’tholdmefor long, which is par for the course these days. Less than two hours later, I’m wide awake, and my head is pounding. Still, I ignore it to stare at the beauty curled against me.
Fuuuck, I should not have let that happen.
I saw the tenderness, the flash of hope in her eyes before she drifted away. I’m a complete and utter asshole for doing this to her because I know she’ll view what happened as some sort of reconciliation when, for me, it was a final goodbye.
I study Steph’s face for a long while in the dim light, noting the minute fluttering of her eyelids in sleep. Tracing the slight dip of her nose, the gentle curve of her high cheekbones. Her sweet, pouty mouth.
She looks so content.
Maybe even relieved, following our joining after many months apart.
Her peace will be short-lived, though, and I hate myself for it. For what I’m about to do. But she deserves better. This is what needs to happen. After all the fucked up shit I’ve done, all that I’ve put this perfect girl through, it’s the very least I can do.
I have to set her free. For her, I have to let her go.
Sighing, I reach across her to root carefully through the pile of dirty clothes next to the mattress. Finally, I unearth the baggie I’d been searching for from the pocket of some old jeans. Propped up on one elbow next to Steph, I glance quickly to make sure my movements hadn’t woken her, then pop one of the pills without any water. It’s chalky going down, but I drop my head, nonetheless, on another sigh. Relief will be along soon.
Smoothing Steph’s hair back from her face, I lean in and press a soft kiss to her forehead one final time. A small smile plays on her lips at my proximity, and my heart aches at the sight of it. Still, she doesn’t wake. And I slip away.
8
Steph
Then
Thespacebesidemeon this gross mattress has long since gone cold when I finally wake, and the hope that had sparked back to life last night wavers.
No.
Nope!
Stephanie Miller, don’t you dare go there right now. You don’t know for sure where he’s gone, and you’re not giving up yet.Imay not have gotten any of the answers I came here to get last night, but I got something better. I got confirmation that our connection is still there. That he still wants me. Everything else can be worked out. We have a lot to talk through, and I’m not prepared to give up yet. Maybe he went to get breakfast. It’s not like he has a kitchen in this hellhole after all.
I push myself up to sit, letting out a surprised hiss at the twinge of pain the movement causes between my legs. It takes me a moment, but then my face heats as the memories of what we’d done last night filter back into my consciousness. I’m sure I have bruises all over my body. Definitely on my hips and thighs where he’d gripped me so tightly. No doubt on my back, too, from the hard metal door.
I’ve never had it so rough before, but …who knew it could be so hot?
Riley was wild, and I’d been completely uninhibited too. We’d never even gotten our clothes off; it had been so frantic. I had no idea I’d like it like that, but … I was into it.
