“So what the fuck?!” she exclaims. “And how does this have anything to do with your rekindled relationship with Riley? Don’t tell me you feel guilty about moving on.” She sucks in a breath, her eyes going wide. “Are you still married?”
“No, no, it’s nothing like that. Sam sent divorce papers in the mail years ago. And …” I huff out a frustrated breath, “I’m getting there. Bear with me.”
“Okay, sorry.” She glances over at Piper, who’s nibbling on a slice of salami. Lucy takes the opportunity to pop a few olives into her mouth while I regroup. The stinging is back in my eyes.
“I remember he was annoyed because Matty needed help with his homework, and I was never very good at science. Sam was tired from work and wasn’t generally involved in anything to do with the boys’ schooling or extracurriculars, but this one night in particular, I’d asked him to help. I was making dinner, and they were working through a biology question together at the kitchen table. It was about recessive genes and eye color. I didn’t think much of it then, but Sam was quiet during dinner and went out afterwards. He came home very late and very drunk and passed out on the couch. We were already struggling quite a bit by that point, more like passing ships, you know? But I still felt it whenhe withdrew from me completely. And then I knew, when he pulled away from Matty. That’s whenIknew thatheknew.”
Lucy and Piper exchange a glance. “What?” Piper whispers as they both lean in, though the look on her face suggests she already has a pretty good idea of where this story is going.
“That Matty wasn’t his.”
I detonate that bomb and finally allow the tears I’d been fighting to fall. My friends are frozen in their seats, struck silent by my revelation. For a long while, the only sound in the room is that of my sniffling.
“Oh my God,” Lucy eventually whispers, shaking off the shock, and I nod in understanding. It’s a pretty big secret I just dropped.
“A-and my poor Matty was still so young,” I croak out. “He didn’t understand why his father couldn’t look at him anymore. Why he still spent time with his brother but left the room whenever Matty tried to join in.” I swallow thickly before continuing. “It took a few months. I-I think it was because Sam was struggling with leaving Alex. Hisbiologicalson,” I add bitterly. “But that day, before he left for work, he stood in the kitchen doorway for a long time just watching the boys. Both of them.” I pause. “And when he didn’t come home that night, I wasn’t surprised. I didn’t try to find him, either,” I whisper my confession, then let out a sob. Both women spring from their seats at the sound and move around the table to embrace me. “God help me because I should’ve. Ishould’ve. Even if he hated me, he didn’t need to leave them. He was still their father. Still the only one Matty had ever known,despite biology.” I sniffle some more, wiping at my eyes, “I should’ve fought to keep him in their lives, but—”
“But what?” Piper asks softly, her hand making soothing circles against my back.
“But I was relieved.” I swallow. “Even though we never actually spoke about it, I was relieved the secret was out and that I didn’t have to live like that anymore—at least in my own home. I’d walked on eggshells for years waiting for him to find out.” I meet Piper’s eyes and then Lucy’s.
“I’m so sorry, Steph,” Lucy says, leaning in to hug me tighter while Piper continues rubbing my back. “But you need to forgive yourself. You’re right that he didn’t have to leave. Not them, too. Hechoseto. That’s not on you.”
“Isn’t it, though? I kept that secret.”
She pulls back, meeting my eyes once more and shaking her head. “No. You may have kept that secret, and I can even understand how he might’ve been feeling, but how he handled it is not on you.”
“But—”
“No buts,” Piper cuts me off. “He’s the one who walked away. He punished those boys for something that wasn’t their fault.”
“I didn’t even know, at first,” I offer. “When I was pregnant? I knew it could’ve been Riley’s, but I didn’t know for sure. And he was gone. Sam was there and was willing, and I …hoped. I hoped it was his, because it would be easier. Or, at least, my head did. My heart always wanted it to be Riley’s. And then when I sawthose pale grey eyes blinking up at me, I was just happy to still have a piece of him with me.”
With that, I sit up, straightening my shoulders and gently shaking off the girl’s touches. They take the hint and move back around to their seats. Lucy pours herself another glass of wine, and I raise an eyebrow at her.
“What?” She shrugs. “I think I need it after all that. We have some pumped milk in the freezer, and Cece can have those nasty mushed peas she likes for breakfast.” Her mouth twists up in distaste as she passes the bottle to Piper, who also refills her own glass. She takes a healthy sip, then leans back in her chair.
“So … Matt is Riley’s,” she states.
“Yes,” I whisper.
“And …” her voice trails off as her eyes light up in understanding. “Riley figured it out at Thanksgiving.”
“Yes,” I whisper again.
“Holy shit,” Lucy says.
“Pretty much.”
“But … you obviously worked it out,” Piper continues, eyeing me carefully.
“To an extent,” I answer. “He forgave me for not telling him. Understood why I didn’t—or couldn’t—back when I first found out. He was less understanding about why I didn’t share the news as soon as he returned to town, but he did forgive me for that, too. Mostly,” I add.
“So the ‘mostly’ part is the problem?”
I nod. “He wants to know his son.”
“Understandable,” Lucy says.
