“It’s pretty great,” Lucy says, and I nod in agreement. “Lots of work, though, so you’re smart to enjoy some you-time first.”
You-time, I smirk, for I realize I’ve had very little of that over the years. Even when I had a partner, I always felt like the burden was all on my shoulders. Not that my boys are a burden, but I’ve carried the weight of raising them right and the responsibility for their well-being alone since the beginning. I know Riley wants a part of that now. He keeps saying he wants to share the weight if only I’d let him.
And in his own ways, he already is.
It feels wonderful knowing I have someone who actually worries about me—who makes a point to check in. To make sure I got home safely. And it’s not just my physical well-being he’s concerned about either. Having Riley to talk things through with at the end of a hard day is so comforting. He helps me unwind in a way I never could before.
He’s trying, and I need to acknowledge that.
The girls have fallen silent now, and I watch Lucy watching Noah with their child. She leans back on her hands and sighs contentedly, an air of peace and satisfaction settling around her, and all I feel in this moment is aching sadness for having beenrobbed of that sight with Riley. He’s never shared a tender moment with his child. Never got to sniff Matty’s oddly shaped baby head. I know now that circumstances at the time wouldn’t have allowed for it, but I’m the one who’s robbing him of the present with his son. The future. I keep insisting I need more time, but is that fair to either of them? Riley’s eyes light up at every mention of Matt, and I feel like the shittiest person ever that I’m still keeping them apart.
I love my kids, and I love Riley. He wants us to be the family we were always meant to be, and I want that too. It’s as simple and as complicated as that. Tessa was absolutely right when she reminded us how lucky we are to have each other.
He should’ve been here with us today.
35
Riley
“Whatwasthat?”Mymother asks, leaning against the door frame to the living room. I’m sprawled on the couch with my feet up on the coffee table. Connor is curled next to me with his head resting on my thigh, but he lifts it at my mom’s voice, ears perking up and tail thumping against the cushion.
“What?” I slowly bring the beer I’ve been nursing to my mouth and take a long sip, trying to arrange my thoughts. I’ve been psyching myself up for this conversation since I left Steph and everyone else back at the beach. My mother doesn’t miss much, anddespite Steph’s upset at my having told Aidan about Matt, I’m not prepared to lie to my mom. One could argue I’ve been lying for months by not volunteering the information, and I’ve been desperately clinging to the distinction that omission is not a lie. But it’s still a form of deception, isn’t it?
“You know what.”
I sigh.
“I can’t talk about it,” I try half-heartedly, but she gives me her stern mom-face. We both know I’m going to cave. It’s long overdue, and I’ve had enough of deception. I came back here to start over—to bebetter. This is part of that.
Mom moves to join me on the couch, still in her beach cover-up and smelling of sunscreen. Connor adjusts himself between us so he can rest his head in her lap instead.Traitor. She chuckles and immediately begins stroking his ears. The little guy wasted no time wrapping the pair of us around his small paw.
“Is it that bad?” she asks, and I take another swig of beer, finishing it and setting the bottle down on the table with a definitivethunk. I drop my feet to the ground and lean forward, arms resting propped on my knees.
I rub my face in my hands. “I don’t even know where to start.”
“I thought things were going well with Steph.”
“They are—were—I don’t know.” I puff up my cheeks and blow out a frustrated breath. “I think we’re okay, but we have a lot still to work out.”
“Does this have anything to do with Aidan?” I knew she would notice his odd behavior. I was only there for a short while, watching from the edge of the woods before Steph noticed me and came over. It was long enough to observe his overt attentiveness towards my son, though, and the way he looked at Steph like he’d never seen her before—couldn’t imagine her capable of such a deep-rooted deceit.
Ican. She may come across as sweet and mild-mannered, but there’s a mama bear inside that woman who believed she was doing what was right for her child. We can debate the validity of that decision forever, but I can’t fault her motivation.
“Sort of,” I hedge.
She waits for me to elaborate, but I don’t.
“I’m sorry if I made things worse this morning when I assumed you were coming to the beach—”
“You didn’t.”
“Clearly I did,” she bites back, voice rising.
Once more, she waits, watching me intently. When it becomes clear I’m not going to say more—not because I don’t want to, haven’t resolved to, but because I just don’t know how to tell her this thing I feel certain will break her heart—she huffs out a frustrated breath, leaning back and crossing her arms over her chest. Connor glances at her curiously, no doubt wondering why the petting stopped, but she’s too worked up now to notice.
“You listen to me, Riley James Walker,” she starts, leaning forward. “You came back to town intent on repairing oldrelationships and putting your life back together. You’ve been back almost a year now, and you’ve got a job you like with colleagues who have become friends.” She begins ticking things off on her fingers. “You’ve reconciled with and won back the girl that got away … hell, you’ve even made inroads with your stubborn brother. Piper likes you, you’ve got an adorably grouchy doggy sidekick—” at this point she remembers about Connor and, casting him an apologetic glance, resumes petting his head. “You’ve seemingly accomplished everything you set out to do, yet you’ve had a shadow behind your eyes nearly the entire time. So what gives? Is it not enough? Not what you thought it would be?”
“No,” I say firmly, sitting up and finally facing her. “It’s nothing like that.”
