???
LUCY
He’s ashamed of me.
Of course he is.
I sink to my knees and then fall forward catching myself with my hands as the breaths saw in and out of me. My vision is blurry with tears but I manage to crawl to my rug before collapsing on the soft wool and curling up into a ball on the floor beside my bed.
I shouldn’t be surprised, but it hurts nonetheless.
Ohhh …it hurts so bad.
That this man, this man that I’ve fallen so in love with, damn me, is ashamed of me.
Ashamed of ourbaby. Our beautiful innocent child, tainted because of me.
BecauseI’mits mother.
What have I done? Agreeing to bring this child into the world?! Who was I kidding, thinking I could do this? I’m exactly what those uppity ladies say I am–I’m just like my mother. And now my child will carry the burden of their judgment just as I’ve carried that burden–the shame–of being her daughter.
I know he’s there, hovering on the other side of the door, the energy of Noah’s presence so familiar to me that I feel him on a cellular level. Silly me, I’d actually come to think that it was because our souls recognized each other, but … that can’t be right. It seems I’ve been fooling myself to believe that what we had was real. I hear him shifting his weight, the floor creaking below him and for a moment I hold my breath, unsure whether I want him to come in or not. Then there’s the soft sound of his steps retreating followed by the muffled bang of the outer door closing behind him.
I let out a strangled sob and curl further in on myself, caressing my belly dejectedly.
Sweet baby. I’m so sorry.
I’d believed myself above it … had worked so hard to distinguish myself as an upstanding member of this community, as a successful businesswoman and friend. Fought to dispel the shadow of my upbringing, and the reputation of my parents. With the help of my abuela and my friends, I’d worked to rise above the opinions of others and refused to let them weigh me down as they had growing up. I don’t give a fuck what the likes of Vera Abernathy and her lot think about me or the way I lived my life, not really, but …
Noah.
It was exactly the thing I’d feared all those months ago when I woke up next to him on that beach. For Noah to see me like that–for him toagree…
The full weight of this realization hits me and a keening wail escapes from somewhere deep inside, the pain leaking out of me given sound.
I was his dirty little secret–and our baby was too.
We were never going to be a family with him. Notreally. Turns out we were a burden to him, and one he needed to hide from hisrealfamily.
???
Voicemail:“Kitten, please, just answer the phone. I need to explain. I just … you caught me off guard. You know how messed up I am about my parents. I just froze. I promise it’s nothing to do with you. I love you! It’sthem. I was protecting you from them. Just … please call me back. Please, Lucy.”
???
Voicemail:“Dammit, Lucy! Call me,please. I need to fix this … I can fix this. It’s not what you think, baby. Call me.
???
Noah:I’m sorry about that last voicemail. I was frustrated.
Noah:Just please let me explain.
Noah:This has all been blown way out of proportion.
Noah:I’m not ashamed of you or the baby. God! Never, Lucy. Never!
Noah:I’m coming over.
