She already knows I’m not going to tell anyone. We’ve shared secrets before. If she didn’t trust me, she never would have admitted that she was having any kind of problems.
“Answer my messages and calls. Because when you don’t, I think the worst and I won’t hesitate to come to your house to find you to make sure you’re okay. And then I’ll have to explain to your parents why I’m there.” It’s an empty threat. I’d never tell anyone her secrets unless I truly thought she was in danger.
“I’ll try, but sometimes… I just can’t,” she says.
How bad is her depression?
But then I remember I tracked her phone right before my mum told me she was here. It said she was at her house. “Where is your phone now?” I ask.
“I left it at home.” Zara shrugs.
“Why?”
“Because I wanted to.” She smiles. “I also know you’ve done something to it.”
I shake my head but I don’t say anything. I can’t lie to her. I did clone her phone and put a tracking app in the background. I don’t regret it.
“Come on, my mum is going to be looking for us.” Taking Zara’s hand in mine, I give it a squeeze.
She holds on until we get to the last step. Then she pulls away, creating distance between us. I don’t like it.
Chapter Nine
Two weeks. That’s how long I’ve been attending this new school. How long I’ve been hanging out with Ares, not always by choice. I’ve never been the one to go to him.Not since the night at his house. I was confused and curious if the effect he has on me was limited to school.
When he touches me, I don’t have all the noise in my head. It doesn’t completely go away, the feelings I’m dealing with. But they lessen, giving me a slight reprieve from feeling so overwhelmed.
I thought I was annoyed with the amount of attention Ares has been paying me for the last couple of weeks. Iamannoyed with him. But also, now that he’s not here, I’m feeling as if I need him. Andthatisn’t something I like.
Ares has become a crutch, one I didn’t realise I was using as much as I have been. It’s almost lunchtime and he hasn’t been in any of our classes. I’ve stopped myself from texting him to ask him where he is a million times. I don’t need him. Or at least, I don’t want to need him.
“Are you okay?” Constance leans over and whispers. We’re in math, and she’s taken Ares’s usual seat. Right next to me.
“I’m okay. Are you?” I smile, but I’m not happy. Not the slightest bit. I’m good at pretending though, which is what I will keep doing. I don’t know where Ares is or what he’s doing, but it’s also not my concern. I’ve gone all of my almost eighteen years without needing him. I can continue to not need him now.
“I’m exhausted. How has the school year only just started? I thought senior year was going to be easy—party central. But the workload is already a lot.” Constance sighs. Then her face lights up with a smile. “I have an idea. We should have a slumber party. Just us. You can come to my house.”
I’ve never been to a slumber party at another person’s house. My dad is a worrier, and he didn’t want me or my sister in a position of vulnerability by sleeping at a stranger’s house. I could now, but I’m much more comfortable in my own home.
“How about you come to mine?” I suggest.
“Really? Are you sure? You can tell me to fuck off,” Constance says.
“I’m sure. It’ll be fun.” I hope my fake excitement comes across as genuine.
“Okay, well, let me know when and where and I’ll be there,” she says.
“Tonight? I’ll text you the address. Around six?” I ask. I would offer to have her come with me after school, but I need a few hours alone before facing an entire night of being normal.
As soon as the bell rings out, I jump up from my seat.
“Are you coming outside for lunch?” Constance asks me before I can run off.
“I’ll catch up with you. I need to make a call real quick,” I lie.
Rushing out of the classroom, I head straight for the library, finding the room in the back I’ve visited a few times before. The moment the door shuts behind me, my shoulders sag and my eyes water.
Falling to the floor, I bring my knees up to my chest. My arms wrap around them as I lose the internal battle of holding myself together. I hate that I can’t control how I feel. I hate that I’m weak. Most of all, I hate that I’ve allowed myself to use Ares.
