The drive back took longer than the drive out because I hit traffic coming in from the city. By the time I got onto the road that went up to Matthew’s house, I was tired and starving and just wanted to see Matthew.
Maybe even have a repeat of last night.
Then again, he hadn’t said anything this morning. He’d been normal, but were things still normal between us? A lot had changed for me, but maybe I was reading more into things that I should. We were both adults and could have fun now and then without having to have deep discussions or labels or anything.
Maybe.
Really, that was probably the right way to handle things, especially if I was gonna be living with him for a while.
I tapped my thumb against the steering wheel and kept my eyes on the winding road, trying not to get in my head and ruin the great day I’d had.
Then again, maybe I'd pushed Matthew too far by asking for something he clearly didn't share with most people. He was obviously not ready to share that part of himself with me, but in my anxious and tired moment of weakness, I’d begged, and he couldn’t say no.
But that didn’t mean he was happy about it. Maybe he gave me what I asked for because he was afraid I’d have some kind of relapse. Maybe I would have.
I sat in the truck for a minute before getting out. I had a good day at my new job, and that was what I wanted to take inside. Not my fears and insecurities.
From the entryway, I could hear his voice traveling from the other end of the house. That low and controlled tone he had on work calls was immediately soothing. I’d gotten used to hearing him in the background, and it set my worried mind at ease.
I kicked off my boots and dropped the keys on the counter then headed toward my room. When I heard Matthew swearing, I stopped and looked at his open door. I wasn't trying to listen in a bad way. I just wanted to make sure he was okay…and that the house wasn’t on fire or about to be overrun by snakes.
So I took a few soft steps closer and held my breath so he didn’t hear me eavesdropping.
"I can't take on something that requires travel right now." He paused while whoever was on the other end talked, but I could hear his frustration. "I realize it's what I’ve been waiting for, but I'm gonna refer you to a company I’ve worked with in the past. They'll do right by you."
Why was he passing up on a job that he seemed to want? It took a few seconds for me to realize what the problem was. What the problem always was. Me.
There was another pause, and then he sighed. "Yeah, you know I appreciate the call, and I’m sorry I can’t help you out. You know I would if the timing were better."
Damn. I headed back to my room and slipped inside without making a sound.
I sat on the edge of the bed and looked at my hands. There were a couple small cuts that I’d almost been proud of when I left work. Now, the grime in the lines of my knuckles reminded me of the day Matthew found me.
The day he saved me and maybe screwed himself. Because whatever surface attraction he might have to me wasn’t worth turning down work for. Important work, from the sound of it.
There was already a huge list of things I felt guilty for. Staying in his house and eating his food was easier to brush off as things people did for friends. But him being stuck at home because I needed his truck and possibly losing money and jobs was different. He didn’t sign up for a permanent babysitting job. If he trusted me to be alone for a few days, then it might not have been an issue. But he obviously didn’t trust me.
I had taken a man who was good and capable and generous and made his life worse just by being in it.
I quickly showered and went straight to bed. I didn’t know what else to do or what to say to Matthew. I just needed to think. And cry apparently, because as much as I didn’t want it to happen, tears spilled over my lids and soft sobs rocked through me.
My face was pressed into the pillow to muffle the sounds, but I heard the door when it opened.
“Joshua?” Matthew was instantly at my side, and the mattress dipped behind me as his arm came over me. “What’s wrong?” He pulled me against his chest and held me tightly. That just made me cry even harder.
He didn't say anything for a while. He just held me and rubbed up and down my arms. "Did something happen today?"
I shook my head and sniffled, trying to calm my stuttering breaths. “No.”
"Okay, then." He carefully turned me around in his arms so I was facing him. Well, his neck. “Can you tell me why you’re upset?”
I lay there for another minute and tried to come up with some kind of story to tell him, but I had nothing. Nothing but the truth. "I’m sorry I’m ruining your life.”
His fingers side up the back of my head, and he gently tugged it back so he could look at me. “Why would you possibly think that?”
I tried to turn away from him, but he kept me in place, forcing me to face him with the harsh reality. "I know you had to turn down a job because I’m taking over your house and your truck, and now you’re losing money because of me.” My nose was runny, so I slurped back the snot and a few more tears leaked out. “I didn't mean to wreck your whole?—"
"Joshua." Matthew had rarely raised his voice and this time was different. “That’s enough of that.”
